Depressed again

The past few days have been really shitty. I mean REALLY shitty. Last week I got reprimanded for not going to the office often enough, a 50 mile, 1 hour journey including $8 in tolls. I didn't fucking feel like it after my accident, rental or not. Also, not that it should really matter to them anyway but, I've been babysitting so I was staying home with my cousin to ensure he ate, did his homework, etc.

Today I got reprimanded for not looking busy enough. Apparently when the CEO, COO, CWhateverO walks by and I have my two browser windows open (one for work, one for other stuff like music, etc) it gives the notion that I'm not performing my duties at work. They should be glad I even do jack shit there considering the clusterfuck that place is. My work is done on time and is satisfactorily efficient, what the fuck does it matter how busy I look?

Bryan's been bored out of his mind and I feel so bad because he has absolutely nothing to do here. I should've just stayed at his house and then he'd be able to go out with his friends or something. Too late now, tomorrow is New Year's Eve already. I feel like I've made Thanksgiving and Christmas absolutely miserable for him. He didn't want to spend them with me or my family. He wanted to spend it with his dad and/or his brother. No matter what, it all comes down to the fact that I'm extended family. I don't feel like I could ever make a big enough impact in his life. He may love me but I'm investing far too much of myself in this fruitless crusade. His father needs to be the one to nurture him, not me. I'm just his cousin when all is said and done. The return on investment will never match what I put in and I can't expect it to.

I was at work when all of this came to my mind. I wanted to scream. I wanted to break the keyboard, punch the monitors, cry, curl up in a ball, sleep, and just exist outside of time and space. I wanted to be without being. I wanted to stop feeling, stop everything. I wanted everything to just go away. I started hyperventilating again. I feel like such a failure. A freak, damaged, unable to cope with human emotion. I can't be happy, not for long anyway. My life is just an emotional roller coaster. Up and down, round and round. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day. I just want it all to make sense. I want to organize my feelings, my thoughts, my life, but the harder I try the more it resists organization.

I try leave from under my parents' collective wing and what happens? I get rear-ended. I try to help my cousin but the best thing I could've done was probably not have been here. Maybe that would've forced his father to spend time with him. I try to be happy and I'm only miserable.

It's almost as if there is no "good", only "less shitty".

Christmas wishes and lots of food

Hopin you're all having a great Christmas, and if you don't celebrate Christmas then happy holidays!

I'm at a formal dinner with friends of the family. They're very nice people and the food is great. Bryan is, unfortunately, bored out of his mind. Like I said, it's formal so I didn't figure he'd have much to do. He's being a trooper though. He's entertaining the kids but they're 5 and 6.

I'll be going to finish the car stuff tomorrow morning. Let's hope for the best. Thanks for all of your Christmas wishes.


-Crash

Teenagers, Oh Boy...

My cousin got picked up by his brother on Monday night. He was there until last night so that was roughly 48 hours. He absolutely did NOT want to come with me and complained all the way home about how he doesn't know the people we'll be spending Christmas with and that he didn't care to even remember their names and how he wasn't going to have fun. I humored him and told him it would be the most horrible Christmas he would ever have, with all the presents he's getting and what not. How could anybody POSSIBLY enjoy getting presents? Sounds horrible to me too!

It seems to me, regardless of what we'd be doing he would've complained when it came time to come home because he wanted to spend Christmas with his brother. His father gave me very specific instructions that he was not to spend Christmas there because it would be awkward. His brother was going to be at his girlfriend's parents' house. They hardly know him and to have his little brother over as well would be strange.

Oh well. I wonder if I was like this when I was a teenager. The answer is probably yes. Whiney, constantly complaining and questioning authority...the definition of a teenager.

Damn Snow

Friday night my cousin had a sleepover and his friend stayed until last night. They had a lot of fun and I have to say that I did as well. We rented movies, bought junk food, wrestled, and they went outside and had a snowball fight as well. It snowed about 16-18 inches down here. I had no idea it was even going to snow. I have to say, I felt like a kid again when we played made up games and what not.

Unfortunately the snow messed with my plans for the weekend. I was supposed to have run the errands to get the ball rolling on purchasing the car but unfortunately due to ridiculous amounts of snow, I wasn't going to drive 400 miles. I tried to get it done yesterday but unfortunately we didn't have time to get to the bank. I got there and they had already closed. I had planned on signing all the paperwork there since they had a notary available, and who else would have a notary working on a Sunday? I drove 8 hours, ~400 miles yesterday for nothing. The kids weren't thrilled. They were basically just along for the ride. I felt bad. I left them at my parents' house while I drove around and then came back for them when it was time to leave. They were bored out of their minds.

I hope we can get this car thing over with soon, though. It's annoying to have to wait this long but the upside is that I get to look over all the paperwork and make sure we're not missing anything. Here's to hoping.

Drama

A little backstory, I went Christmas shopping with my uncle and cousin and he got to pick out whatever he wanted in Hollister. We got him about $300 worth of stuff. I told him all of it was for Christmas so he couldn't wear it until then with the exception of picking one outfit that he could wear on Christmas. His father let him put on a sweater/shirt thing last week which I didn't agree with but whatever, he's his father. I found out he put on one of the hoodies last week as well, without asking anybody. When I asked him, he then lied to me about it and made up some story. In some way I'm glad he's afraid of me enough or respects me enough to lie to me. On the other hand, he lied to me. I finally got him to admit he wore it and made it clear that lying would not be tolerated. No sense punishing him the week before Christmas though.

Now for the drama! His mother called me this morning. When this woman calls you, it's never a good thing. Through all her badmouthing of my uncle and his wife I saw her motive. She tried to make me feel bad about how his cousins had gotten all worked up about seeing him for Christmas and that his dad "abandoned him" during the holidays and that he'll spend them alone ("not that you don't count but what if you weren't there! What would my baby have done!?") and so on. In passing she asked if my uncle had left my cousin's passport anywhere. In my mind I'm going "Oh, hell no. I'm not sending him without his father's permission". Plus, I didn't want him going in the first place. I don't know where his passport is and I'm not going to look for it. Apparently she's going to drive over to where my uncle is and is going to tell them both off. This ought to be fun, especially because I tried calling him to warn him but they're not answering the number they left me. Why leave me an "emergency contact number" if you're not going to answer it?

I also go reprimanded by my boss for not being in the office the past few days while I'm babysitting. Whatever. If I cared any less about this job I'd quit. I wonder what they'll say when I have no more rental car next week and CAN'T make it to the office. Hopefully this other job will pan out. It pays far better and isn't a 100 mile daily commute plus $8 in tolls.

Further Explanation

So I told you guys I'd update you today after my interview. It didn't go particularly well. I did fine on the PHP and HTML/CSS/JS portions of the 3 person interview but the SQL didn't go so well. Oh well. If I get it, great. If I don't, no skin off my nose. I went to visit some of my former co-workers after my interview. It was good times. It's nice to see your friends after a long time.

I also said I'd update you guys on the family situation. It's fairly amusing, really. I've been grooming my uncle to become the father he's failed to be so far. Out of a cosmic twist of fate (and some luck) the airline didn't allow my cousin to fly alone. This meant here was no way his mom could keep him if he wasn't there! Now he's spending Christmas here, I'm taking him to my house and we'll spend Christmas with my family.

My uncle is very lax with just about everything, from dealing with his kids to dealing with his wife. As I've told you guys before she's very Type-A so she's very bossy and controlling. After my outburst, my uncle saw the need to curb her attitude and set limits to how she deals with his son, mainly after his oldest son and I sat him down and talked to him. I'm also teaching him to say no to his son. He needs to learn both responsibility and accountability. He has things he's charged with doing around the house and he needs to do them before he can go out with his friends and such. The alternative is staying home until he completes those chores. My uncle has never put his foot down so I'm surprised my cousin is actually dealing with it fairly well. I'm also surprised he accepted me putting my foot down considering I'm not his father and he could easily dismiss me.

Hopefully everything I've tried to instill in my uncle will stick after he comes back from his trip to Colombia (again) only when he comes back he'll be with his wife so we'll see if somehow she can nullify everything I've done. As a people-watcher, I'm fascinated by this situation and the way it plays out. As a human being I'm appalled by the goings-on. As a family member I'm drawn to fix it.

You can't fix the world...

One Step Closer to My M3

I've been out looking at cars the past 2 weeks and I found the one I want. The car is a 2004 BMW M3. 6 speed manual, all the options except navi and parking sensors, completely stock, Titanium Silver, 62,000 miles. The car is in GREAT condition and I test drove it...I should've taken a change of clothes because I had FAR too much fun driving it.

My aunt got the loan for the car, she has far better credit than I do, and she got approved tonight but I'll be paying the monthly dues for the loan. If all goes well I should be able to register the car sometime next week and I'll be driving my M3! It's been so mentally draining to go car shopping on such short notice. My rental runs out on the 21st. I could always call my insurance company and try to extend it though.

On an unrelated note, a recruiter called me last week and I'll be going on an interview tomorrow morning. The position pays $40/hr which is quite a bit more than I'm making right now. The other good part is that the position is a stone's throw from where I was planning on moving. We'll see how it all works out. I have to do some homework on the company, see what they're about and formulate some questions for the interview. Hopefully I'll impress.

I'll need to fill you guys in on the family situation. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow when I tell you about the interview. Hopefully I won't forget to post.

Blessing? No, not so much.

Today I learned what gap insurance does and doesn't do.
Does:

• Cover a difference between your insurance payout and the amount you owe on the car


• Save you money if your car is worth less than what you owe

Doesn't:

• Pay off the rest of your car leaving your insurance payout to cover part of the cost of a new car


• Help much if the depreciation is roughly in line with the payments

My car is totaled and I end up with a grand total of $1500. I basically get to start over with buying a car instead of making some headway like I thought I would. I figured gap insurance would take care of the car and I could use $7K-10K to pay for part of my next car. I was terribly mistaken. I have 27 days left on my rental (26 tomorrow) and I need to get a loan and find a car in that amount of time. The problem is that I'm picky about cars and I'm not going to go out and buy a Honda for $15K if I'm gonna hate it. Why sink that much money into a machine you'll hate to look at, let alone drive? Considering the rate of depreciation of a Honda it would be hard to find a newer Honda for that price anyway.

This blows

Blessing in Disguise?

I took my cousin to his brother's place after leaving my uncle's house and my cousin slept over there. I picked him up the next day and we all headed down the turnpike. Little did we know this would be a painful trip. I knew there would be traffic and I figured cops would also be out in force. My 17 year old cousin would be following me to his father's house in his girlfriend's car.

We pulled over at a rest area for gas just as traffic began to get heavy. We depart with full tanks of gas and we're on our way. Traffic is stop-and-go and we're making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. We're in the middle lane and I decide that this lane is no longer moving quick enough so I move to the left lane which seems to have a nice flow. I saw an opening an took it, my cousin would've fit except he got cockblocked by the guy I got in front of so he gets behind him instead. As traffic normally works, as soon as I moved into the lane it came to a halt and the lane I was in began moving. Go figure.

Why am I complaining about traffic? I'm not. I'm setting the scene for what happened next.

We're in the left lane for about 5 minutes - stop, go, repeat. I'm fuzzy on the details but as I'm told, the lane began moving again and we got upto roughly 40 MPH. The car in front of me stopped, so I did the same. The guy behind me chose to try plowing through traffic instead of waiting in it, which is to say he slammed into my car at ~40MPH. It all happened so quickly that I hardly remember it. I remember having to pick my glasses up off the floor of the car because they flew off in the collision. He hit me so hard he slammed me into the car in front of me. My car is fucked up on both ends and I'm not sure what's going to happen to it. It may get totalled.

I woke up Monday with a sore neck. It's been getting steadily worse. I woke up today and it hurt a bit more. Luckily I reported that to the insurance company, but unfortunately my neck wasn't hurting at the scene of the accident so I told them I was fine. It might be time to look for a new car on top of my apartment search.

On the bright side my uncle flew in from Colombia last night and we all sat down and talked things over. It seems my uncle has been doing some thinking recently about their home situation and we all appear to be on the same page. We'll see if things really do get better. 2010 can only be better than this year, right?

The Gift of Family

As you all know, I've been taking care of my cousin these past few days because his parents went to Colombia. My parents went to Puerto Rico so we were left to fend for ourselves for Thanksgiving. I called one of my uncles and we spent Thanksgiving with him and his family. My cousin wasn't, at all, thrilled with going there. He always felt my uncle never liked him because he would always yell at him. I tried to tell him it was because he loves him (I know, we've all heard it before but it really is true) and because he's fairly strict, even with his own kids (3 and 4 years old).

We discussed the family matters and we all learned a lot about each other and our loved ones. On the second night, though, we talked more specifically about my cousin's upcoming trip to Colombia. Unfortunately, we all know if he leaves he won't be coming back. His mom is very controlling and uses her children against their father. My uncle sure can pick them, eh? My cousins have a shitty stepmom and a shittier mother. God help them. In the end, the man my cousin didn't want to see turned out to not only be his Godfather but also promised to move the earth in order to do what's best for him. I don't feel so alone in this fight that almost seemed futile. My cousin has changed his view of our uncle.

We both cried a bit after all this talking and all the issues that came up. One particular issue was one of my other cousins, in particular my little cousin's brother. He's had it rough, much rougher than is at all fair for any human being. I had, honestly, given up on him and so had everybody else. He got in a lot of trouble when he was younger, he's only 17. He ended up arrested a few months back and was thrown out of the house but it all started far before that when his mother physically and mentally abused him. She did the same thing to my little cousin but not nearly to the same extent, he was her favorite and it's sad that she played favorites. His older brother was routinely locked away in his room if not beaten and nobody did anything about it. Here's the kicker, my uncle isn't my older cousin's father, technically the two of us aren't related but he's still family. He sees my uncle as his father and my uncle has always treated him like his son. He got involved with their mom in order to help him and ended up having a child with her.

In an odd twist of fate, my little cousin was expecting a visit from his brother today but it turned out he wouldn't be able to make it so instead we went to his apartment (he's 17 and has an apartment whereas I still don't, this puts things into perspective). After learning so much from our Thanksgiving talks I've come to see that his brother is FAR from where he almost ended up. He's doing very well for himself. He's stayed out of trouble and he has 2 jobs, a girlfriend, and is planning on going to college. I wish I could say I had something to do with that but I think the truth of the matter is that he is who he is because he suffered. He's suffered so much he's become callous (to some extent) and because of this he's been able to will himself through the latest leg of his life. I stayed until about 11:15 and my little cousin wanted to sleep over. I'll go pick him up tomorrow after they go shopping. His brother wants to buy him some shoes and stuff. It's good for them to spend some time together so I figured I wouldn't stay. They offered for me to stay over and asked me a few times but I declined.

It's sad that most of what I've known about my family has been either very one-sided or a flat out lie. Family goes to great lengths to hide its deep, dark secrets - to seem normal. At age 23 I've finally been let in on these secrets. Unfortunately my 13 year old cousin lived some of it and learned a lot more of it. Even worse, his 17 year old brother has been in the thick of most of it, at least in this particular case. There's far more that I've been told that boggles the mind and nobody wants to deal with so I won't even bother trying to. I'm still trying to take all this in and decide how to deal with the issue of my cousins.

I just hope between my uncle and I, we can help my little cousin with everything he NEEDS (not necessarily everything he WANTS) in order to ease the home situation and make sure he doesn't turn to drugs, alcohol, or getting in trouble just to escape his stepmother. I know his brother is also determined to help but I want him to sort his life out first before taking on another burden. I just wish I knew how to help him as well.

How do you right the parenting wrongs of another?

Attack of Mr. Mom

So far the past few days have been quite interesting. Sunday morning I got in a huge fight with my uncle's wife. My uncle woke up my cousin and handed him the baby. Of couse the baby cried and was inconsolable. She walks in and starts yelling at my cousin for being useless, at which point I remind her it's not his child and that he was woken up to be yelled at. She walks away pissed and talking to herself. I go downstairs for a drink and a few minutes later I hear her coming down the stairs and thinking out loud, more about how my cousin is useless and how he won't even "say goodbye to the baby".

At this point I feel the need to shut her up because waking him up to hold a baby while she gets ready and my uncle packs the car is hardly "saying goodbye", let alone getting yelled at mere minutes after waking up. I sarcastically tell her that I, for one, LOVE to be woken up in the morning only to be treated like SHIT. She's hysterical now. I think it's the fact that nobody's ever talked to her that way.

She yells out the door for my uncle to come inside immediately. I'm holding a glass of water, shaking so badly I can't even take a sip because I was so angry. She's going off on him about how I dared speak to her that way in her own house. I'm silent, attempting to drink my water. My uncle looks at me and I simply shrug and walk upstairs, leaving him to deal with what, as far as I was concerned, he started by setting up my cousin to be yelled at. He could've just as easily put the baby in the crib and he wouldn't have cried any more or less.

Maybe it was the fact that she saw that I walked away and left her looking like a lunatic, or that I simply didn't care enough to continue the fight after I walked away but she apologized and gave me a kiss goodbye (the kiss of Judas? Maybe) after I helped finish pack the car. My uncle apologized repeatedly before they left. We'll see what happens when they come back. I'm sure she won't treat me the same, like I'm always going to back her up. She's a shitty parent.

Alright, so four paragraphs later, I finally get to what the title of the blog is about! Back to how she'a a shitty parent, this house was absolutely disgusting. I hate walking around and having my socks get filthy. I take my shoes off at the door normally since it's how we keep my house clean. Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and I did the laundry, washing bathmats that hadn't been washed in months, washed the new clothes I bought my cousin on Sunday because who knows where those things had been before we bought them, sweeping the floors, and mopping. I didn't dust, I neither had time nor the will. I doubt I will, it's not my house and that would be a monstrous undertaking.

I helped my cousin wash his bathroom properly. It had been washed before when his father told him to but you know kids. Besides, nobody ever showed him HOW to wash a bathroom properly so he did it his way.

Now at least most of the areas I spend time in are nice and clean.

My cousin and his friends seemed happy his family went away because they were able to roughhouse downstairs and make noise. It was amusing to watch them wrestle and beat each other up. It made me miss those times. His friends were fascinated at the fact that I actually LET them do that. One asked me if I would let my cousin "do anything he wants", a typical question from a 13 year old.

After a while of wrestling amongst themselves they seemed to want to drag me into it. I saw one of two things happening, a lawsuit for breaking somebody's something, or my shoulder getting dislocated again, neither of which were pleasant. I opted out. Luckily my cousin came to the rescue telling them they didn't want to mess with me because I could take him and his older brother, who they know is a pretty tough kid. That didn't stop them from trying though, merely made them think about it before they'd try. One approached me with a metal ruler to see what I'd do. After disarming him and twisting his arm a bit, curiosity was satiated.

I easily spent roughly $300 in the past few days on school supplies and clothing for my cousin (about $150 in each category). He was so excited to get decent supplies, which I found quite weird. I never liked school supply shopping as a kid. After we bought the supplies we organized his binders and pencils and all the other stuff we bought and he was thrilled to go to school today. I can't help but think he just needs somebody to actually take interest in his studies. Sadly his father has yet to do so and his stepmom couldn't give a shit less except to yell at him when he gets a bad grade.

I don't want to make myself more important than I really am, honestly I should only be supplemental to this family, not one of it's main components, but after my cousin said to me last night "I'm glad you were here to take care of this because my dad is too busy" I was about ready to punch a wall. I'm glad he thinks of me as instrumental but I'd hate to see what would happen if I got banned from this household by the wicked witch of the west. I could only hope my uncle was see reason and make sure that never happens or be ready to finally step up and take an interest in my cousin's day-to-day activities and homework.


-Crash

The Dark Side

I've felt out of control only once before and that was about 8 months ago. It was the day before a coworker got fired. I couldn't stand him. He was incredibly annoying, hardly had a personality and could spew verbal diarrhea with incredible ease. His blatant lies hardly even gave him pause. On top of that I was cleaning up after his coding mess for months.

I had reached my breaking point. I could no longer take it. I was LITERALLY being driven insane. I normally pride myself on being resilient and enduring in the face of adversity but this was different. This was insurmountable and worse yet, it consumed me from the inside out. It felt like my chest was hollow. I would have fits of what I can only guess to be a panic attack. My pulse raced, my breathing becoming more rapid, and yet I was suffocating. My ability to think was gone. I would take more frequent breaks in order to escape the person mere inches away just behind the wall of the adjoining cubicle but it was in vain. I had to return to my desk eventually. I would be on an emotional rollercoaster experiencing a range of emotions - from apathy and detachment to rage, to despair.

I had never experienced anything like that before, but sadly it would return.

I've been struggling to get my life in order. I've finally reached 90 days at my job which means I can receive health insurance and finally get my shoulder properly taken care of. My finances were in shambles before unemployment, now I need to get that taken care of. Two friends and I started a project and I can't say I even have the will to follow through. I'm trying to move out of my parents' house. I don't feel right here.

All these things together have brought back that feeling of drowning or suffocating. Sitting at my computer at work trying to will myself to be productive so as not to end up unemployed, only this time through direct inaction on my part - suddenly the air feels thick and I gasp once or twice, but the relief is only temporary. The detachment lingers, even once I'm home. Programming used to be escape, the place in my mind I could retreat to where things made sense. Problems were solved in the form of for, while, switch, if or else but that's no longer a place I can reach, not right now. This makes programming for my project a chore; the air thickens...

Before you freak out let me explain a few things. First, yes, I'm depressed and it sucks. Second, I'll get over it without doing anything stupid like self-mutilation, self-medication, or suicide. And third, I wrote this - in part - to get it off my chest but also with a hint of creative writing. While I mean everything I wrote, the imagery was meant to be shocking. It's the best way to convey this feeling. So if you were going to reply with "don't do it, you have so much to live for", don't bother. I wouldn't even think of it. Any other comments, however, are welcome.


-Crash

Long overdue update

If any of you have been following on Twitter, you probably already know what's been going on lately. If not then it's about time I fill you in! Sorry that I haven't updated lately, nothing major has been going on at all.

First big update, I got the job 3 months ago. I fucking hate it. Bet you didn't expect that one. The job blows though. I'm the only real developer. My boss used to have my job but he's a shitty developer as far as I'm concerned. I was told there were 5 developers...bullshit. There are 5 people at the company that can muddle their way through code, that does not make one a developer. That and nobody has any clue what the development cycle should be like. Plan FIRST, code after, not the other way around!

Next update, I'm fucking depressed. Maybe it's my job carrying over into the real world, maybe it's that I'm just a whiner. All I know is that I'm not content with where I'm at in life. People tell me to be patient, that I'm still young and that I'm doing well for my age. Why the fuck can't I afford to move out yet then? What about being upto my eyeballs in student loans and credit card debt? Wonderful.

I just feel like something is missing. I didn't feel this way when I had a girlfriend, maybe that's the missing piece. Then again, my previous girlfriends didn't work out well and caused me far more grief in the end than it was really worth.

Let's try thinking about the good times recently. I went to Six Flags on Halloween with my little cousin. That was fun. We went on rides til we were bored and we couldn't walk anymore. On a sidenote he's got a girlfriend now. Oddly enough I'm a tad jealous. I used to be the person he'd look forward to seeing every week, now she's taken that spot. He deserves it, though, as long as he doesn't get in any trouble. Whatever gets his mind off of his dysfunctional family life and is healthy for him (not drugs or gangs) is ok by me. They've been going to the movies on Friday nights. It's kinda cute, really. Like I said, he needs his mind off of his shitty stepmother and a father that's far too laid back. Those two things together are a recipe for disaster. I try to be a buffer and hopefully it does him some good. His grades have certainly improved over the last year, which I can only hope is a direct result of my involvement, at least my uncle thinks so.

Quite honestly, my uncle and cousin are the only people keeping me sane as of late. It keeps me distracted; gives me something to do. Otherwise I'd be feeling sorry for myself at home 7 days a week, instead I'm doing that 5 times a week. I guess it's an improvement though, right? I'll take what I can get.

-Crash

When it rains, it pours

And jobs are no exception. I probably failed to post that I got a job. I had been chasing this job since February and finally got it last Monday. Well, a friend of mine called me just a few days later (that Wednesday, I think) and said his company was looking to fill a position for a PHP developer. The company in the city so the compensation would be greater.

I went to interview for the position on Tuesday and so far all signs are good. It seems I nailed all the technical questions he asked me and we struck up a conversation as the interview ended, which can't hurt. My friend and the gentleman that interviewed me seem to have a meeting to discuss it further today. I'm crossing my fingers to hope I get a job that pays a substantial amount more than I make now!

Wish me luck :-)


-Crash

Lefty for a while

I came up to my friend's lake house for the weekend. It's always fun. We went shooting yesterday and then went out on the jet skis. We set off some fireworks to top off the night.

Lo and behold, we're playing with poppers and my friend and I begin to roughhouse. I went full sprint at him to pop some poppers on his back. When I slapped his back full force, he stopped. I'm traveling forward, as is my arm but now he's stationary. I felt it drop as soon as I hit. When I tried to lift it past my elbow, I couldn't. It, then started to hurt like hell. Everybody stood around as I dropped slowly to the floor clutching my shoulder. It was time to go to the hospital.

The ride there hurt here and there but was bearable. The more time passed, the more any position hurt to hold my arm in. We waited about an hour and a half to two hours. At this point my arm was in excrutiating pain. I got an x-ray done and then they gave me a shot, a conscious sedative. The doctor then came in and popped my shoulder back into place. It hurt a lot but only for a second. The pain was over. They immobilized my arm with a thing that resembles a sling. We got back home at 4am or so. I woke up just now and my right hand is swollen, maybe my whole arm.

All-in all it was an interesting weekend. Oh, and my friend's sister is jerking off her boyfriend in the bed across the room. Fun


-Crash

Been busy, here's an update

I was playing with OS X, as you all know. My laptop didn't like it because I installed it on an extended partition (I wasn't sure what would happen but I gave it a try). I was able to boot and run OS X 10.5.6 but had no internet. 10.5.7 would go straight into a reboot loop and on top of that it messed with my boot partition which meant that turning on the laptop now did nothing. I had to use the OS X disc to boot into OS X and couldn't get into my windows partition at all.

It gets better. I came home from a weekend at my friend's lake house and fired up my desktop. I'm watching Kings (AMAZING SHOW!! More on that later) on hulu because he told me to watch it, only 14 episodes so far. I had just finished watching episode 12 when my computer froze. I thought nothing of it and rebooted. It failed to do anything but turn on the fans...crap. Maybe it overheated...I opened the sides and let it be for a bit. Turn it on again later and it gives me a memory error. Try again and it freezes in the bios. Try again and it boots but then gives me a Blue Screen of Death. Fuck. Long story short the motherboard is fried, specifically the memory controller. I need to get a new one but they don't make my motherboard anymore so I'll have to get a newer one which doesn't support my CPU anymore so I need to get a new CPU when I get the new motherboard...shit on me.

I figured, I want to learn Objective-C so I can code for the iPhone and if I spend the money on the desktop it won't get me any closer to learning it so why don't I buy a MacBook? Found a MacBook refurb form last year for $845 on the apple site. I was seconds away from buying it when I started thinking about how I'd run windows apps without a desktop. I figured I'd go with a virtual machine but that requires a beefy system to virtualize the other operating system. The MacBook wasn't going to cut it. I looked around and saw the MacBook Pro 13" with 2GB of DDR3 1066, almost enough but not quite. Luckily a memory upgrade to 4GB was only $90. I bought it and I've been using it since Saturday and writing a few useless apps so far while I learn the language.

Let's backtrack to last Tuesday. I had an interview!! I was told I did very well and they'd give me a call back but not to expect it too soon since they still have more interviewing to do and they're also hiring for multiple positions. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and even though it's not close (it's an hour away) I'm sure this job sounds like a great fit. We'll see what happens!

Now to talk about Kings. It's a great show with an amazing cast. It has many parallels and allusions to the Old Testament but in a modern day society. It tells the story of a hero destined to become king. Unfortunately NBC cancelled it but they may pick it up again for another season if enough people do their part. Go watch it on Hulu, then when you see how awesome it is write to NBC and tell them you want more! The whole first season is available to watch on Hulu. Go now. Do it.

Addiction and all that

Sooo...I'm addicted to my iPhone. I'm seriously considering becoming an iPhone developer, maybe release an app or two on the AppStore. We'll see how all that goes. I'm downloading iPC, it's OSX for a PC, for my desktop. Hopefully it'll be done in an hour or so and I'll get on installing that tonight and be well on my way to playing with stuff this week.

I'm thinking of flying to Florida for a week or so to visit my brother since he's been bugging me to go visit him. He moved from NJ to FL a while back and he's wanted me to visit, on top of that my dad flew in from Colombia and is staying with him. I honestly don't want to see my dad, I'm doing it because my brother asked me to visit and I never had the time. He also asked me to visit my dad so I figure I'll do that and get it over with. Oddly enough I respect my brother more than my dad even though I saw him less than I did my dad. My brother is about 20 years older than me (more, I think) but we became pretty close over the past few years.

It seems a lot of us second generation "kids" have a resentment towards the first generation. I'm not saying they were bad people, a lot of them just suck as human beings. My dad had 3 chances to get parenting right. I can honestly say he got it wrong all 3 times. Hell, my brother and sister (both 20 years or so older than me) don't refer to him as "dad", they call him by his nickname; they may as well call him by his name. I'm not saying all my uncles are failures. There are stories of great loyalty among my uncles just like there are a few crazy (no, seriously) ones and some we don't speak of. It's interesting if you're an observer on the outside. I try not to be judgmental, though, except in the cases I know of first hand.

Interesting how I just went from iPhone to daddy issues, and no, not that kind.

-Crash

iSkin Fuze

I ordered the Fuze late last week and was eagerly awaiting my new toy. What I got, though, was a box full of disappointment. Here is my email to customer service:

I have to say that I'm not satisfied with the iSkin Fuze for many reasons. Whether I want to return it or not will be dictated by what I think over the next few days of use but as of right now I can tell you I feel the item was misrepresented.

Having owned the iSkin Revo and iSkin Revo2 and having been satisfied with both purchases I chose to buy the iSkin Fuze. To my understanding it was supposed to be a soft interior (I thought it would be like the Revo2 only thinner) and a hard exterior. To my surprise, all I got was a hard shell with a soft plastic flap to cover the docking port.

The Fuze was said to have a screen cover to protect the screen but also be usable, a "touch friendly screen guard". This is most certainly not the case. The screen guard hampers use of the iPhone and any press on the screen must be very deliberate or it will not register. Forget typing quickly as you will miss roughly 50% of your keys. I took that off quite quickly, actually it began to come off on its own when I was putting the case on. Luckily it was held on by nearly no adhesive.

The buttons on my phone are now hard to press and have no feedback due to the case's hard plastic covers for them. Unlike the Revo and Revo2, the Fuze's hard plastic button covers have you guessing as to whether the button even got pressed when only the slightest pressure would've otherwise sufficed.

Again, I'm not certain as to my case's fate as of yet but the next few days will decide whether I can get used to this or not. Having owned the Revo, Revo2, RevoClip, and Fuze, I have to say I've only really been satisfied with the Revo and Revo2 to date. The RevoClip was terribly bulky and impractical to carry around and the Fuze may not have been a let-down if I hadn't owned the other two cases. It's not, however, worth the $45 I paid.

iPhone and MMS

READ THIS PARAGRAPH FIRST!!!
I posted a tweet about how I got MMS working and it seems a few people got interested. Great! These are the steps I followed in order to get MMS working on my iPhone 3G back in February and how I lost MMS when I upgraded to my 3GS. Last night I got MMS back and I'm thrilled! If you don't have the patience or willingness to hear "no" a lot today, don't do it. It's frustrating or fun depending on how you look at it. Hell, you may get a rep that's very willing and eager to help. I did a few times. YOU WILL LOSE ALL YOUR VOICEMAILS IN THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY REMOVE THE iPHONE DATA PACKAGE
If you get suck at all, refer to the troubleshooting section at the bottom of this post

AND THIS ONE TOO!
You will need a few things in order for this to work:
1) an iPhone (duh!)
2) a non-iPhone (oh crap! I didn't have one so I borrowed my cousin's for 5 minutes)
3) the balls and patience to speak to AT&T all day, different reps, and be told no several times. You'll most likely end up calling multiple times and spending hours on the phone.

Let's get started.

Back in February I called AT&T (don't call 611 from your cell, grab a landline because these steps require things done to your phone that will disconnect you if you're using it). The number is 1-800-331-0500.

First, tell them you're extremely unhappy with viewmymessage.com and want that notification removed from your account and the regular messaging plan added to your account. They'll tell you that you will no longer know when you receive an MMS. Tell them you understand you won't be able to use it but that you would rather not see the alerts than know you have an MMS and be unable to retrieve it. The messaging plans are called Messaging 200, Messaging 1500, and Messaging unlimited, not iPhone messaging 200, iPhone messaging 1500, etc.

Get them to enable WAP Push on your account (this may be one of the hardest things to get them to do). Good luck.

Get them to reset the VLRs and resend the Over-the-Air Activation (OTA). These are merely formalities and may not have anything to do with MMS at all but it doesn't hurt to try.

Get them to put MEdiaNet pay-as-you-go on your account. This is NOT compatible with the iPhone Data package. With my previous experience the rep told me so and then when he added it, the iPhone data package got removed. This time when I called back I was told the system spit out an error message instead and they were unable to add it. You may need to give them the IMEI of the non-iphone at this point and tell them you plan on using that phone from now on and that you don't want the iPhone data plan anymore. Turn off anything on your iphone that uses internet because medianet charges you $0.01/KB and you probably don't want that. I just had my phone off throughout this whole thing. Put your sim into the other phone once you're done with the rep and maake a call or two, text a few friends, or just wait a few minutes. Go to http://mymedianet.wireless.att.com/ and enter your phone number. If it tells you your phone does not support MEdiaNet then you either didn't wait long enough or the rep screwed up. Once you're in, customize your MEdiaNet. Add local weather or something, it really doesn't matter. What MEdiaNet does is control the MMS gateway. If you don't have access to MEdiaNet you won't have access to send MMS.

Try to send an MMS with your non-iphone. If you have trouble, call AT&T and tell them you can't send MMS and make them fix it until you can.

Once you're done, put the SIM back into your iPhone and try to send an MMS, see what happens. Hopefully it'll succeed. Now call back AT&T and tell them to put the iPhone data package back on. You should now have MMS.


TROUBLESHOOTING:
1) I don't have the option to send MMS in my "Messages" app!
Crap...You'll most likely have to go to http://help.benm.at and download the settings file that enables tethering. After that, reboot, and hopefully you'll have MMS enabled in your Messaging app.

2) I don't have a different phone
You're kinda screwed. Find somebody whose phone you can borrow for just 5 minutes, that's all you need. I did this at work and found a few people willing to lend me their phones.

3) I still don't have MMS, even on my non-iPhone
Call AT&T and make them fix it. Tell them you switch back and forth between your phones and you want all the features working all the time. They'll try to tell you that you'll need another sim card because the iPhone does weird stuff that means you can't switch it into another phone. That's a lie.


I hope this helps and if it doesn't, post a comment or send me a tweet @Crashspeeder and I'll try to help you out.

Back to Reality

The vacation is over. It was absolutely beautiful in Cozumel. Quite honestly, though, I'm glad to be back home. I missed my bed and although I love my uncle and like spending time with the family, I'm not good with people for long periods of time. I'm more of the loner type. They started to get on my nerves, especially the last day.

I hate deviating from a plan, especially a plan that I've had in my head. When it was 9:15 and we had yet to leave the hotel room and our flight left at 12:30, I began to get a little ticked. I ended up returning the beach towels myself, throwing the luggage out the hotel room door and loading up the car (with a little help from my little cousin who saw I was pissed and helped out). I can honestly say that I pretty much single-handedly got us out out of the hotel.

I don't like airports. It's not that I don't like flying, I just don't like that some random people with microphones and maybe a badge control my timetable and whether I get on the plane or not. I like to be in control of the situation, I don't like the unknown. For that reason, flying is stressful for me.

In any case, I'm back and I had a package waiting for me. I had ordered my iPhone 3GS before I left. I've been playing with it for the past few days, setting everything up the way I want it. Lukily the iPhone dev team released redsn0w today because purplera1n was getting annoying. I had to restore my phone a few times yesterday due to glitches and stuff.

Sorry I didn't post as soon as I got back. If you want to know what's going on and I haven't posted here just follow me on Twitter. I usually update that every few hours. My username on Twitter is crashspeeder.

Unfortunately I don't have any pictures to show you guys of Cozumel as I didn't take a camera, however my uncle's wife did so as soon as I get those I'll post some. Later!


-- Crash

Fun in the sun

I'm in North Carolina waiting for my connecting flight to Mexico. Wish me luck! Fun in the sun for the next week :-D


-Crash

An interesting day

Yesterday was different. I woke up after a restless night. I haven't really slept well, until last night anyway. There was a hell of a storm that night and I enjoyed it. Unfortunately people here litter so when there's too much water in the river they shut down the water treatment plant so no garbage jams up the equipment which means no water.

I turned on the water and it just trickled down. I had to fill up a bucket (it took about 5 minutes) and then use the water I had collected to bathe. At least I was clean.

I got my contact lenses yesterday. I think I'm finally used to them. As usual my phone kept me sane through the day.

I thought my grandmother would die yesterday. She was seeing dead people and asked for a priest. She's still hanging in there though. She really should let go. There's nothing left for her but pain and morphine and her body's already building up a tolerance.

I leave tomorrow night. I love it here but these circumstances just plain suck. I just want to go home. Normally I'd be able to stay months on end but right now I just can't take the tension, the lack of sleep, even the heat that I already about about is getting to me.

Anyway, later


-Crash

Busy iPhone day

My poor phone's battery has been abused this whole trip. It's my escape, really. I've been charging it 2-3 times a day since I got internet on Sunday or so.

So I signed up for a twitter account, got a few twitter apps on my phone and just downloaded a blog app so I don't have to open the page every time. I'm having fun at least.

Feel free to follow me on twitter. I'll most likely post lots of smaller updates there and keep posting like I've been here. Later, folks!


-Crash

Paradise Lost

So maybe I should've saved the title "Trouble in Paradise" for this post...

My mom and two of my aunts started a yelling match today. Dealing with my grandmother's condition is wearing everybody down, especially my aunt that lives with her and has taken care of her. She feels like my mom and my other aunt came and started turning her world upside down. It's partially true but it was also for her own good. She's worked far too hard already and deserved a rest. Yes, we took over, she's right - but she's on the verge of a breakdown and she WILL break down if she keeps up her current pace.

Luckily they made up and got to talking. I've never considered myself the sensitive type. In fact, I consider myself to come off as somewhat cold at times. I simply don't know how to react to certain situations. When they were fighting I figured it would just blow over, and it did, however now I've got an upset stomach and I'm thinking that had something to do with it.

In only somewhat related news a damn iron burned my foot this evening before the blowup. This was the precursor to the big bang, if you will. My aunt that lives here got an iron from us, an expensive iron at that, but the damn thing is finecky and it's a professional iron. The damn thing doesn't make steam properly and leaked a bit and when it steams it tends to sometimes throw jets of hot water instead, thus soaking what you're trying to iron. Well, in my attempt to troubleshoot the iron and calm my aunt down I started to figure out some of its quirks until the fucker threw scalding water out past the ironingboard and, onto my foot. I have a welt on my foot and now A&D ointment too.

I say that was somewhat related because just before the screaming match my aunt burned herself using the iron then that set her off on her tirade.

What a day. At least I got new glasses out of it though. I went out today and bought a frame. I'm going to get my eyes checked tomorrow and the lenses should be done by next week. My aunt will bring the finished glasses for me since I leave for home this weeked and she leaves in July.

GTFO

I feel like killing my cousin. She came as a whim and she's not helping with anything. She's more a pain in the collective ass of the family than any help. Her daughter is absolutely adorable but does whatever she wants because she's 2. On top of that she's pregnant so she wants things done for her. This isn't the time or place to be coddling her ass. Help or GTFO. She had the balls to suggest her daughter stay here with my aunt (my cousin's mom) while my cousin flies back to Virginia. Like we need a senior citizen AND a toddler to take care of.

Rarely does she wash her dishes and that of her child. I have no problem washing everyone's dishes if we all just shared a meal but don't trickle dishes into the sink and expect somebody else to take care of your shit. Don't expect people to get shit for you because you're carrying your daughter. Put her down and get what you need. You're not handicapped.

She doesn't think of anybody else but herself and I can normally deal with it because I know she's selfish but apparently I can't put up with her for this long a stretch anymore like when we were kids or maybe it's that she has a child she should be taking care of and isn't and that's what's bothering me. All I know is I'm dangerously close to telling her off by week's end.

The circumstances and the feelings

The cumstances behind my visit were strange. My mom called me to get a ticket for her and then asked me to get another for myself so she wouldn't be alone. I'm really just here for moral support. I just feel like a third wheel though, in the way. I don't want to be a burden while they're tending to my grandmother. I'm not doing much of anything but I'm trying to wash dishes, mop, etc. I just don't feel like it's enough. Oh well, I'll keep keeping them company and trying to do some housework.

Trouble in Paradise

Let me start with the fact that I jumped into a new project a few days ago called iTalk iPhone as a web developer until my new job starts. I got about 2 days into it and created a Cydia repo for them and I'm working on an auction system. It's for free because I feel I should be coding for fun as well as profit. Never just one or the other.

Anyway, the reason I only got about 2 days into it is that we got a phone call saying my grandmother is doing very poorly. My mom was worried but she had already said she wouldn't visit again. She flew out last October when my grandmother's condition deteriorated and everybody expected her to die. She paid her respects, they all said their goodbyes but came to the agreement she wouldn't make the trek again.

It seems my grandmother asked for my mom specifically on this past Thusday or so. She asked me to buy her a plane ticket while she was at work. I called her back and told her she'd fly out the next day, then she asked me to buy a second ticket and go with her. We arrived and looking at my grandmother is just sad. I'm not sure how my mom or my aunts do it and take care of her. I don't think I'm strong enough.

It's a bit of a family reunion, I haven't been here in 4 years. I love coming here, though clearly not under these circumstances. Some people think of Colombia and the first thought in their mind is cocaine and drug dealers. I look around and I see beauty and think "home". This is where I grew up for the first 3 years of my life. I don't really remember much of it but clearly it was enough to evoke nostalgia 20 years later.

The town we live in here is far from luxurious - hell, there's no hot water - but sometimes it's simplicity we need. It's poor, but most certainly not lacking. There's always food on the table, a roof over your head, and I'm always welcome. I miss this.

I'll post later. I'll be coming home next Sunday but I'll most likely post before then.

What happens now?

I made a few phone calls today and I may have a job or two lined up. We'll see how this goes.

I got back from my friend's lake house in PA on Tuesday. I spent the whole of Memorial Day weekend up there and got a nice tan. I was in pain until last night due to tubing behind a jet ski. I was holding on for dear life but I enjoyed every minute of it.

Wish me luck! I may take that trip before my new job. I'll try to keep you guys posted if anything new and interesting goes on.

String of luck (bad? not sure yet)

Let me give you guys some backstory.  I started my new job and all seemed to be peachy.  I impressed them by actually working on stuff day 2.  They expected the first week to be me just getting used to the system.

End of week 1 I already had features working and ready to be put live.  They were happy that everything was going so smoothly.  Soon enough I ran out of work and they threw a whole new project at me.  They gave me a broad overview of what they wanted.  We sat down for a few meetings for the planning phase.  After meeting #2 I didn't hear from anybody.  Specifics were nowhere to be found and my time was spent twiddling my thumbs.  They gave me a few little things here and there, nothing major.  I sent out emails reminding people of what I still needed from them, but to no avail.

3 weeks ago I was given a project that had been talked about but no information had ever come in until then.  I was to modify their ticket system to store HVAC information.  It took all of 4 days, not long at all.

Here's where it gets interesting...

I made a budget 2 weeks ago Thursday so that instead of financially floundering about I would actually make headway on my credit card debt and student loans.  I got into a car accident the next day...awesome.  Nothing major, just paint and a missing mirror.  Some lady sideswiped me.

It gets better...

I had planned to go out the following week with my friends to the city to celebrate my birthday.  I got a phonecall that Wednesday saying Friday would be my last day at the company due to lack of work.  My birthday party turned into a birthday/unemployment party.

Where am I now?  I spent the last 4 days or so at my uncle's house for lack of anything to do with myself and knowing they needed the help.  His wife is insane and treats his kids like dirt.  I'm not saying they don't deserve it on occasion, they are teenagers after all, but I maintain that she's insane.  I'm just glad I was able to smooth things over for all of them for a few days.

I filed for unemployment and I've called/emailed recruiters left and right.  My family is pushing me to take a trip instead.  They say I should take the unemployment money and take a vacation, which I haven't done in years.  It might be good for me.  I was hesitant at first but they're starting to get to me.  For the past few years when I've had the money I haven't had the time, and when I have the time, I don't have the money...why not live a little while I'm still in my early 20s?

Long time

It's been a while and I'm still trying to make sense of this month.
I'll fill you guys in soon

Playing Catch-Up

I haven't posted in quite some time.  Sorry about that.  Let me try to get you guys all caught up.

My last day of work was kinda sad.  I didn't want to leave.  I was fine all day but when 5:30 came I realized I wouldn't be coming back on Monday.  Luckily I had the next week off.  I went to Naples, FL and had lots of fun.  It was beautiful there, almost surreal.  It's crazy how perfect life can seem down there.  I got a sun burn during my last 2-3 hours in Florida which totally sucks but it went away quickly.  I'm still peeling though.

I came back 2 weeks ago Saturday and started work that Monday.  It was a great first day.  They were expecting me to take the whole first week to figure out the system.  I was implementing new features my second day and analyzing and offering suggestions on the first day.  They seem to be fairly impressed and I'm happy to be there.  They pay for breakfast and lunch most times.  It's pretty cool and laid back.  Nobody's hassling me, which I guess is worse because I'm my own worst critic anyway.  I can work from home at will, and have been for the past 2 days and will again tomorrow because my boss wouldn't be there Wednesday-Friday.  No reason to be there if I can save the gas by doing the same work from home.  We have each-other's phone numbers anyway.

Yesterday I installed Windows 7 Beta 64 bit build 7000.  It's not as fun as I expected but it does seem to run a lot better than Vista.  Today I found a torrent of build 7057 and upgraded to that.  Not a huge difference that I can make out yet.  A bit disappointing that I can't run Virtual Box on physical drives though.  I can only create images and use those as virtual drives.  Apparently this was a change they put into Vista and it's still in 7 as well.

That seems to be about it.  If I think of anything else I'll post it.  Hopefully you've all been doing well.  Leave me a comment, let me know.

Breakfast Battlescars and Linux Too

What a day. Let me back up a bit and mention that I was at my uncle's place this weekend and there was a nice snow storm on Sunday night through Monday afternoon. No work for me because I couldn't get anywhere and didn't have my laptop to even work from home. I played Xbox 360 all day with my cousin. Good times.

I woke up this morning to get ready for work, took a shower, got dressed and then proceeded to help my uncle with breakfast. It wasn't complicated, it was ham, egg, and cheese on a bagel. Stupid me got the idea to put he cheese on the bagel while it was in the toaster oven so it would melt a bit only I touched the top of a toaster oven that had just turned off mere seconds earlier. I've got a nice burn on my hand. My "breakfast battlescar."

I got home after work and started fiddling, as I tend to do, because my parents got me a cable box for my room. I had given up on TV because I couldn't fit one if I wanted to fit my desk in my room. I got a Hauppauge HD-PVR last week (I shouldn't have because now I'm broke but that's besides the point) and now I can watch TV using my computer and even record it! Well, that was the idea anyway. I had installed Kubuntu Intrepid Ibex (8.10) a few weeks ago and I've loved it. Today, however, I'm hating it. I'll probably love it again when I get this working but so far I've been messing with it for 3 and a half hours trying to get it to compile correctly.

I love computers, I swear. It's just a love-hate thing.

How? Always!

I went to watch a movie with a friend tonight. We watched "Taken". It was quite good, really good, actually. Anyway, after I got out of the movie it was about 10 and a few friends from work called and asked if I wanted to go to a lounge. I reluctantly agreed. It sounded loud but being that it was a lounge I figured I'd try it out.

When I got there I almost wasn't allowed in due to dress code. I got there and it was REALLY loud. It was basically a club with some couches and ambient lighting. I wasn't a fan. Two of the people from work were fighting because one was jealous (they're dating) because their SO was "flirting" with one of the other guys. Cluster-fuck, really. I drove home shortly after arriving.

On the way back home there was a car going south on the northbound side of the Garden State Parkway. It was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. He was in the left lane (his right) and I must've been doing 90 before I saw him. It's a good thing I was in the middle lane, as usual or I would've hit him and the combined speed would've been well over 120MPH.

I got home safely, obviously, and I'm off to bed. What a fucked up end to an otherwise ok day.

First Time in a While

Today I accepted the contract job offer. I really hope I get the other job though. In any case, that's not what I wanted to post about. For the first time in a while I actually worked my ass off. I not only fixed a few important bugs on a site that a high profile client wanted fixed tonight but I also finished my redesign of the Baby Phat site.

Keep your eyes peeled. The site will change from black/purple to white/gold/red at some point tomorrow. It actually came out quite good if you ask me. Very close to the designs given to me and I cleaned up a LOT of the code. It was terrible. I'm not saying it's perfect now because I didn't have enough time to do a complete overhaul but it's far better than it was before. I worked from 9am to 10pm tonight. Hell of a day but I got a bunch done.

I also gave my letter of resignation today. I'm free!

Nonsense Galore

This morning started off as any other but quickly changed. As I'm passing the parking lot this morning I see a construction crew in front of the entrance. I had to go around to the side entrance to the parking lot. I sit at my desk ready to start the morning. A little before 10am all internet functions cease. The whole company is unable to access the internet...at an e-commerce company. This is quite a problem. As it turns out, the construction crew was tearing up the street and had to cut some cables. They cut our fiberoptic line.

We were completely unable to do ANYTHING. Even testing on our development servers couldn't be done due to the need for images from the live servers. We all got in trouble, of course, because we weren't doing anything useful. Go figure. Somewhere around 2-3pm we got minimal connectivity through a satellite connection but everything crawled and productivity was at a stand-still.

On the bright side my phone interview went really well and they're looking to move forward. I was told by multiple people that I should accept the contract job offer and if the perm job turns out then I simply decline the contract job. Chances are if the perm job turns out it will be before I start the contract job anyway. And if it doesn't turn out I will have already accepted the contract job instead of losing out. There you have it, folks! That's my plan and we'll see what happens. I'll keep you all updated.

Jobs, Interviews, and Recruiters! Oh My!

I got the job I interviewed for! The recruiter called me this morning. I'm sure he was expecting much more enthusiasm from me but I also got a call from another recruiter saying I landed a phone interview at another company. This job would be permanent, not contract like the first one. If I get this one it'd be great. I'd be letting down the first recruiter but I'm not here to get jobs to make others feel better. I'm out to get paid and get paid well. Job stability would really be a plus and a contract job would mean I'd be looking for a new job as soon as I start, pretty much.

What do you guys think? I'll list the pros of each job are and you tell me what your thoughts are.

Contract:
I already got the job, I just have to accept
It's 30 minutes from home (perm is an hour or so)
I'd be well compensated (roughly $10K more than I make now)
I'd be focussing on new features to an already working system
Telecommuting would be allowed at will

Permanent:
Compensation should be about $2K more than the contract job, minimum (~$12-15K more than I make now)
Permanent means unless I get fired or laid off I've got job stability (contract is 3-6 months)
Larger company (or so it seems) means I'll be working as part of a team (I'd be the sole developer, pretty much, at the contract job)

Productivity is Relative

I spent all day on the phone with AT&T. I sat at my desk at work just fucking with my phone, really. I wanted to be able to send MMS. I bought a phone for $330 plus a 2 year contract, damn right I'm getting MMS! Hell, my VX9800 and VX6000 could send MMS! I called tech support a minimum of 5 times today just fucking with settings on my plan. Finally by around 9:30PM or so I was able to get MMS working. It took a long time but it was worth it.

Don't get me wrong, I worked today. I got everything done that was assigned to me. I just devoted most of my time to my phone. I was able to send and receive messages just a few minutes ago. I'm hoping I'll be able to still send and receive tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, etc. I've heard this can be finecky and work for maybe only a day or work for a few months and then stop. We'll see.

All-in-all, it was a fun day. I got to be so many different people while on the phone. I gave one lady a brow-beating over the phone for telling me the iPhone can't MMS and I was the funniest, nicest guy with another lady. I was the "I know how you system works so just do this and don't ask questions" guy with 2 people, and the helpless customer with another. A great experiment in social engineering, really. Quite amusing to see how different people react to different personalities.

I guess I clean up well

I got a haircut this morning and then headed off to my interview. I bought new windshield wipers on my way back home and had lunch at a place I had wanted to go to for years but they closed too early for me to we get there on time. Apparently my aunt has some tickets to "Guys and Dolls" on Broadway tonight. I didn't want to go but if I don't then they'll go to waste so I'm going tonight.

The interview went very well. They seem to want me there and gave me a tour of the place and introduced me to some of the staff. I got a call from another recruiter this morning offering me another job. It's further away but it's full time, not contract. We'll see what he gets back to me with.

I'll leave you with a pic of me all spiffy for my interview.

Interview

It seems the phone interview went well enough to get me a personal interview on Wednesday. Let's see what happens then. I need to get a haircut on Wednesday before the interview...my hair is totally getting out of control and I can't show up like this. The scary part is that he didn't like one of my answers to his questions on Friday. It seems he's a fan of HTML Tables for layout and positioning. I don't have a problem with tables when they're being used for data, but using them for positioning is a rookie thing to do. That being said, if I get the job I won't walk in there and start tearing tables apart and replacing them, I'll work within my established parameters and get the job done.

Enough work talk. I woke up this morning and wasn't in as much pain as I expected to be. If it didn't cost so much money I'd go skiing next weekend again. Oh well, sometime soon I'll go again, just not yet.

Wish me luck on Wednesday. Let's hope I can wow them!

My God, the Pain

Ow. I just got home from skiing for 8 hours. Fuck, I'm tired. I'm going to bed. It didn't turn out like I thought. I expected the skill to rush back. It doesn't seem to work that way when you haven't gone skiing in ~8 years. I had a LOT of fun, don't get me wrong. Some really funny moments too. It was good to do something different. I need to get in shape so this won't hurt nearly as much. We'll see what kind of shape I'm in tomorrow morning. This ought to be fun.

Snowboarding/Skiing

I was invited to go snowboarding on Sunday. I don't think I will because the package includes a limited lift ticket so I'll not only be limited to the bunny slopes but falling flat on my ass most of the day anyway cuz I've never snowboarded before. Skiing, on the other hand, I've done before. Since I've been poked and prodded into going I figure I'll at least do that so I can actually have fun.

My boss went to a sale last night right by work and I asked her to pick me up a pair of snow pants. I had already made plans, otherwise I would've gone myself. The guy from work that got all of us together to go is lending me a jacket to wear so I should be set as long as I wear enough layers. This should be fun. It's been a while since I've gone skiing.

Also, for those of you wondering, the phone interview went quite well I think. It seems he didn't like my answer to one of his questions though. It seems he's a tables guy and as far as I'm concerned tables have no place on a web page except for tabular data. Oh well, I got all the JavaScript, PHP, and MySQL questions right so that should count for something.

Distracted

I've been terribly distracted while at work. My mind isn't there. I have my phone interview tomorrow at 10am, hopefully I'll be able to impress the guy.

Even though I'm distracted, though, I'm nearly done with my project. Hopefully I'll be done and move on to a new job shortly thereafter. That or by some miracle I'll get laid off and then I can dedicate myself to searching for a job.

That's about it. Nothing big going on.

Snow - Lots of It

It was snowing this morning when I went to work. It had only accumulated on my car and continued that way throughout the day. When I got out of work, however it was a different story. It's accumulating. Luckily I just got my new tires so I was doing fine.

I have a phone interview with a company on Friday. So far they seem impressed. I find that slightly shocking because My resume really only includes 1 job in my field though I have been there for about a year and a half. Apparently though my resume seems weak, the code samples I sent were good enough to get me the interview. The recruiter called me today to tell me about the interview and also told me my writing was impressive. I guess being a grammar nazi pays off :). I only hope I do well on the phone interview; I have no idea what he'll be asking.

I went to my uncle's on Saturday night. He called me on Saturday and asked me to come over and we'd watch the Super Bowl on Sunday. Oddly enough I ended up not watching it. I was having far too much fun playing Wii with my cousin. My boss called me up on Sunday and offered me the day off on Monday. I took it and stayed over an extra night. It was good because I got a few things done. I rewrote my resume and fixed a few things at my uncle's. My cousin then came home from school and I helped him with his homework.

I sometimes hate myself though for my lack of patience. We were working on his homework and for the math, he didn't want to focus. He doesn't like math. He's good at language (English, Spanish, French) and spelling, but doesn't like math. Being a math, grammar guy myself I sometimes forget it doesn't come as naturally to others. I found myself getting aggravated. Luckily I caught myself; I later apologized. He knew the steps he had to take and he knew the math, it was just that his head wasn't there. Once we moved on to the other subjects it was a breeze. He just needs a push for math and I can understand that. History and I didn't get along when I was in school and I'd just about fall asleep while doing the homework. He was getting that sleepy look on Monday while doing the math.

All in all, it was a good weekend. Though I think I'm getting sick.

A Few Days Off

I've been working from home for the past few days. I was getting new tires put on and they were delivered late in the day yesterday so my mechanic said he'd do it today instead. I say I worked from home but that's a huge lie. I logged on to the work VPN and then did a whole lot of nothing. It was well deserved though. The company is completely screwed now though because one of the marketing guys that handles all of our advertising through affiliates and cost-per-click stuff quit today. I somehow doubt they'll get anyone up to speed on everything he used to do soon enough. Oh well, shit happens. Like I said, nobody wants to be there.

Luckily I've been getting a few calls, nothing terribly promising though. We'll see what happens.

Just an Update

Hey guys. I just figured I'd update and tell you what's been going on. I stayed at my uncle's until Monday morning and I drove about an hour and a half to work. I'm working from home tomorrow because my car will be getting new tires. It's actually been scaring me recently because it's started vibrating at highway speeds. I think it's mainly to do with the tires but I can't explain how or why, it just feels as if I'm driving around with snow in my rims causing the wheels to be unbalanced (no, it hasn't snowed here in weeks) but sometimes it just stops.

I'm working on a site redesign at work. They want a "simple color swap" but it's never that simple. Measurements change for different elements causing me to redo portions of the site. That and the site is horribly coded anyway. I keep fixing the bad code and it's slowing me down. At this point I think I have 3 weeks left. Not a lot of time, though luckily the largest portion is done, it's just the minutia that kill me. All the little things you miss here and there get incredibly annoying. All-in-all it looks good though and it's coded far better than it was before.

Everybody makes jokes about the company going under, firing more people, looking forward to getting fired themselves. I'm one of those people. I've been coming home and finding it ridiculously hard to even get on my computer anymore. I don't want to code at home because I'm just so mentally drained. I don't want to be there -- nobody does, not even my boss. At least if I got fired I could collect unemployment and drive up and down the tri-state area applying for jobs and going to interviews, all the while getting paid. Having a job makes it hard to get a job.

As for me, my depression seems to be coming back. I mean, it never really went away per se, but the job situation doesn't help any. I feel unmotivated. I feel trapped. I remember days when I couldn't wait to get to work and didn't want to go home at the end of the day. I was innovating, making cool stuff from scratch. Now I'm hard-pressed to do anything but straight HTML/CSS. I guess that's life though, eh?

I do want to tell you guys that your comments make it all worthwhile. I love that people care enough to read what I write, no matter how bitchy and annoying I may sound. Thanks for the comments, they mean a lot.

A Wonderful Surprise

I was at home on Tuesday when I got a text from my uncle saying his son would be flying in today. I was ecstatic. I took the day off and went to the airport with him this morning to pick him up. His flight arrived at 4:32AM so it was a long day.

He passed out around 9-9:30 while we were playing PS3. Poor little guy hadn't slept in probably over 20 hours. He complained that trying to sleep on the airplane was an impossible task.

He's 12 and I've babysat him since he was about 8 or 9. I would drive to my uncle's after or before work when I was working retail to make sure his homework was done and spend time with him. My uncle's a lawyer so his schedule can be quite random and sometimes incredibly long. Also the flying back and forth between his mother an father made it hard for him to make many friends here.

I'm a mere 10 years older than him but I almost feel like he's my son -- or at least I defend him like he is. I'm not sure what it is but I've always felt the need to protect him and watch out for him.

I'm not sure how long he'll be staying but I'll make sure to try to drive down to see him every once in a while. Itt's too bad my uncle moved more than an hour and a half away from me over the summer or I'd be able to make the trip more often.

The biggest surprise of all

About 3 minutes ago the front end was called to the project manager's office for a mini-meeting with the CTO. He told us Friday would be his last day due to being laid off. Apparently they laid off the CTO in order to keep the developers. I can see this going terribly and
especially since now apparently Technology will report to the COO/CFO. I'm positive he'll care more about the money than the procedures.

I didn't even know you could lay off a Chief Officer. I forsee hard
times ahead.

Email is back

Thanks to google's gmail and support of other domains besides gmail.com I have mail again and it's IMAP just like I had it set up before.  I'm cancelling the dead server (it's officially FUBAR.  It never booted back up after I rebooted it.) tomorrow and that'll be one less expense per month.  I just need to make sure I'm not missing anything.  DNS was transfered over to one of my other servers so that's taken care of.  Luckily I have backups of all the websites I had on pulsar (the dead server) because I had to transfer them when epicenter got hacked.  Time to set them up again.  I may do that tomorrow.

I'm sorry if I bitch and moan on my blog a lot.  I'm quite a reserved person and, honestly, this is my only outlet.  I don't like opening up to people.  It's only been trouble in the past.  I'll try to post some more mundane stuff to water down the bitching.

And I thought it was over...

Let me start off by saying I haven't forgotten about my blog, I simply haven't had much to put in here recently.  Now on to today's news.

I lied, I'm rewinding an extra day to yesterday.  They let some more people go but luckily they weren't from my department.  Apparently the financial troubles continue.  This leads me into today's goings-on.  The CTO called a meeting for the whole department this afternoon.  We got a few extra guests than what we expected.  The CEO and CFO/COO joined the fun.  The theme of the party was pay cuts for all!  I'm glad they decided to share the poverty but I'd rather the wealth.

I'm in disbelief as to what happened today.  I can't say that I won't be able to survive on what I get paid, far from it.  It does, however, mean a change in my daily spendatures.  I have to not only think more about what I'm  spending on a daily basis but also the overall picture.  What monthly expenses can I do without.  The first thing that comes to mind is my servers.  That just makes me wonder about those with families to support.  

I'm being positive though, it's not a ridiculous amount and I'll make it through this.  The only question is will the company make it through or will I even be there to find out.

EDIT: Oh, and one of my servers may have a corrupt HDD and now I can't get my email.

What We Take for Granted (Continued)

Alright, so I know I JUST posted a blog but the story gets better.  I need to start taking advantage of these situations NOW btw.

My brother came up from Florida with his family (he's about 20 years older than I am).  He asked me to sell him my car if I ever felt the need since his son would be needing his first car soon and my brother has a a BMW 528i and loves it so he figured why not give his son my car.  It's a 2002 325Ci and it's in good condition and under 100K miles.  I still owe half the car which is actually more than it's worth right now.  I figure I'll just give it to him and let him take over the payments.

I mentioned this to my mom and she was all for it.  She said she'd cosign for me to get the M3 I've been wanting.

What We Take for Granted

The wisdom and insight of those around us is probably foremost on that list.  This morning I got on my computer as I always do and read that John Travolta's son died.  Quite honestly, this means very little to me, I'm not one to follow the stars but it is a sad occurrence regardless.  I read this article and put it in the back of my mind as I tend to do.  A few hours later my mom and I talked for a few minutes and we went back to doing what we were doing.

For some reason I felt like bringing up the John Travolta story.  She's usually up on the happenings in Hollywood for some reason.  I mentioned it and we got to talking.  We talked at length about life and eventually got to the topic of what we do with our lives.  She's said before that I should enjoy my life while I'm young (don't get tied down, don't feel you have obligations anywhere or to anyone but yourself).  This particular conversation went the route of the job offer in Canada I told you guys about.  She said that she was excited when I told her about it because she had always wanted to travel the world and that it doesn't matter where a job takes me (career-wise and life-wise) I should experience as much as I can of the world, of life. (sidenote: the job turned out to be for a company that made their website in what appears to be Microsoft Frontpage...I don't think I want to work with them.  That and they have no portfolio.)

We had worked out a payment schedule a few months ago so that I could chip in and pay rent (not my idea) since times are tough and the mortgage is expensive.  She told me just now that regardless of what we worked out, I have no obligations here and if I want to go I should and should I ever find it didn't work out I always have a home to come back to...regardless of whether my stuff has been thrown out or not (and she said she probably would throw it out).

I never thought I'd feel this way but I think I want to go.  I want to apply to jobs EVERYWHERE and see what comes up.  I had originally confined my job search to Northern NJ, then extended it into NY.  After the Canadian job I aded Canada and I think I'm done being passive about this job search thing.  I'll list myself as open to work just about anywhere and I'm going to start actively looking.  Forget depending on recruiters.  It's January, companies will hopefully have a new round of funding for the new year either now or soon and that means looking for talent.  I'm currently working on version 3 of my Woot!-off checker and it will be my crowning achievement.  I hope to have a job before I finish it but if I don't, I'm sure it will help me get my foot in the door.