Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Gift of Family

As you all know, I've been taking care of my cousin these past few days because his parents went to Colombia. My parents went to Puerto Rico so we were left to fend for ourselves for Thanksgiving. I called one of my uncles and we spent Thanksgiving with him and his family. My cousin wasn't, at all, thrilled with going there. He always felt my uncle never liked him because he would always yell at him. I tried to tell him it was because he loves him (I know, we've all heard it before but it really is true) and because he's fairly strict, even with his own kids (3 and 4 years old).

We discussed the family matters and we all learned a lot about each other and our loved ones. On the second night, though, we talked more specifically about my cousin's upcoming trip to Colombia. Unfortunately, we all know if he leaves he won't be coming back. His mom is very controlling and uses her children against their father. My uncle sure can pick them, eh? My cousins have a shitty stepmom and a shittier mother. God help them. In the end, the man my cousin didn't want to see turned out to not only be his Godfather but also promised to move the earth in order to do what's best for him. I don't feel so alone in this fight that almost seemed futile. My cousin has changed his view of our uncle.

We both cried a bit after all this talking and all the issues that came up. One particular issue was one of my other cousins, in particular my little cousin's brother. He's had it rough, much rougher than is at all fair for any human being. I had, honestly, given up on him and so had everybody else. He got in a lot of trouble when he was younger, he's only 17. He ended up arrested a few months back and was thrown out of the house but it all started far before that when his mother physically and mentally abused him. She did the same thing to my little cousin but not nearly to the same extent, he was her favorite and it's sad that she played favorites. His older brother was routinely locked away in his room if not beaten and nobody did anything about it. Here's the kicker, my uncle isn't my older cousin's father, technically the two of us aren't related but he's still family. He sees my uncle as his father and my uncle has always treated him like his son. He got involved with their mom in order to help him and ended up having a child with her.

In an odd twist of fate, my little cousin was expecting a visit from his brother today but it turned out he wouldn't be able to make it so instead we went to his apartment (he's 17 and has an apartment whereas I still don't, this puts things into perspective). After learning so much from our Thanksgiving talks I've come to see that his brother is FAR from where he almost ended up. He's doing very well for himself. He's stayed out of trouble and he has 2 jobs, a girlfriend, and is planning on going to college. I wish I could say I had something to do with that but I think the truth of the matter is that he is who he is because he suffered. He's suffered so much he's become callous (to some extent) and because of this he's been able to will himself through the latest leg of his life. I stayed until about 11:15 and my little cousin wanted to sleep over. I'll go pick him up tomorrow after they go shopping. His brother wants to buy him some shoes and stuff. It's good for them to spend some time together so I figured I wouldn't stay. They offered for me to stay over and asked me a few times but I declined.

It's sad that most of what I've known about my family has been either very one-sided or a flat out lie. Family goes to great lengths to hide its deep, dark secrets - to seem normal. At age 23 I've finally been let in on these secrets. Unfortunately my 13 year old cousin lived some of it and learned a lot more of it. Even worse, his 17 year old brother has been in the thick of most of it, at least in this particular case. There's far more that I've been told that boggles the mind and nobody wants to deal with so I won't even bother trying to. I'm still trying to take all this in and decide how to deal with the issue of my cousins.

I just hope between my uncle and I, we can help my little cousin with everything he NEEDS (not necessarily everything he WANTS) in order to ease the home situation and make sure he doesn't turn to drugs, alcohol, or getting in trouble just to escape his stepmother. I know his brother is also determined to help but I want him to sort his life out first before taking on another burden. I just wish I knew how to help him as well.

How do you right the parenting wrongs of another?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Attack of Mr. Mom

So far the past few days have been quite interesting. Sunday morning I got in a huge fight with my uncle's wife. My uncle woke up my cousin and handed him the baby. Of couse the baby cried and was inconsolable. She walks in and starts yelling at my cousin for being useless, at which point I remind her it's not his child and that he was woken up to be yelled at. She walks away pissed and talking to herself. I go downstairs for a drink and a few minutes later I hear her coming down the stairs and thinking out loud, more about how my cousin is useless and how he won't even "say goodbye to the baby".

At this point I feel the need to shut her up because waking him up to hold a baby while she gets ready and my uncle packs the car is hardly "saying goodbye", let alone getting yelled at mere minutes after waking up. I sarcastically tell her that I, for one, LOVE to be woken up in the morning only to be treated like SHIT. She's hysterical now. I think it's the fact that nobody's ever talked to her that way.

She yells out the door for my uncle to come inside immediately. I'm holding a glass of water, shaking so badly I can't even take a sip because I was so angry. She's going off on him about how I dared speak to her that way in her own house. I'm silent, attempting to drink my water. My uncle looks at me and I simply shrug and walk upstairs, leaving him to deal with what, as far as I was concerned, he started by setting up my cousin to be yelled at. He could've just as easily put the baby in the crib and he wouldn't have cried any more or less.

Maybe it was the fact that she saw that I walked away and left her looking like a lunatic, or that I simply didn't care enough to continue the fight after I walked away but she apologized and gave me a kiss goodbye (the kiss of Judas? Maybe) after I helped finish pack the car. My uncle apologized repeatedly before they left. We'll see what happens when they come back. I'm sure she won't treat me the same, like I'm always going to back her up. She's a shitty parent.

Alright, so four paragraphs later, I finally get to what the title of the blog is about! Back to how she'a a shitty parent, this house was absolutely disgusting. I hate walking around and having my socks get filthy. I take my shoes off at the door normally since it's how we keep my house clean. Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore and I did the laundry, washing bathmats that hadn't been washed in months, washed the new clothes I bought my cousin on Sunday because who knows where those things had been before we bought them, sweeping the floors, and mopping. I didn't dust, I neither had time nor the will. I doubt I will, it's not my house and that would be a monstrous undertaking.

I helped my cousin wash his bathroom properly. It had been washed before when his father told him to but you know kids. Besides, nobody ever showed him HOW to wash a bathroom properly so he did it his way.

Now at least most of the areas I spend time in are nice and clean.

My cousin and his friends seemed happy his family went away because they were able to roughhouse downstairs and make noise. It was amusing to watch them wrestle and beat each other up. It made me miss those times. His friends were fascinated at the fact that I actually LET them do that. One asked me if I would let my cousin "do anything he wants", a typical question from a 13 year old.

After a while of wrestling amongst themselves they seemed to want to drag me into it. I saw one of two things happening, a lawsuit for breaking somebody's something, or my shoulder getting dislocated again, neither of which were pleasant. I opted out. Luckily my cousin came to the rescue telling them they didn't want to mess with me because I could take him and his older brother, who they know is a pretty tough kid. That didn't stop them from trying though, merely made them think about it before they'd try. One approached me with a metal ruler to see what I'd do. After disarming him and twisting his arm a bit, curiosity was satiated.

I easily spent roughly $300 in the past few days on school supplies and clothing for my cousin (about $150 in each category). He was so excited to get decent supplies, which I found quite weird. I never liked school supply shopping as a kid. After we bought the supplies we organized his binders and pencils and all the other stuff we bought and he was thrilled to go to school today. I can't help but think he just needs somebody to actually take interest in his studies. Sadly his father has yet to do so and his stepmom couldn't give a shit less except to yell at him when he gets a bad grade.

I don't want to make myself more important than I really am, honestly I should only be supplemental to this family, not one of it's main components, but after my cousin said to me last night "I'm glad you were here to take care of this because my dad is too busy" I was about ready to punch a wall. I'm glad he thinks of me as instrumental but I'd hate to see what would happen if I got banned from this household by the wicked witch of the west. I could only hope my uncle was see reason and make sure that never happens or be ready to finally step up and take an interest in my cousin's day-to-day activities and homework.


-Crash

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Dark Side

I've felt out of control only once before and that was about 8 months ago. It was the day before a coworker got fired. I couldn't stand him. He was incredibly annoying, hardly had a personality and could spew verbal diarrhea with incredible ease. His blatant lies hardly even gave him pause. On top of that I was cleaning up after his coding mess for months.

I had reached my breaking point. I could no longer take it. I was LITERALLY being driven insane. I normally pride myself on being resilient and enduring in the face of adversity but this was different. This was insurmountable and worse yet, it consumed me from the inside out. It felt like my chest was hollow. I would have fits of what I can only guess to be a panic attack. My pulse raced, my breathing becoming more rapid, and yet I was suffocating. My ability to think was gone. I would take more frequent breaks in order to escape the person mere inches away just behind the wall of the adjoining cubicle but it was in vain. I had to return to my desk eventually. I would be on an emotional rollercoaster experiencing a range of emotions - from apathy and detachment to rage, to despair.

I had never experienced anything like that before, but sadly it would return.

I've been struggling to get my life in order. I've finally reached 90 days at my job which means I can receive health insurance and finally get my shoulder properly taken care of. My finances were in shambles before unemployment, now I need to get that taken care of. Two friends and I started a project and I can't say I even have the will to follow through. I'm trying to move out of my parents' house. I don't feel right here.

All these things together have brought back that feeling of drowning or suffocating. Sitting at my computer at work trying to will myself to be productive so as not to end up unemployed, only this time through direct inaction on my part - suddenly the air feels thick and I gasp once or twice, but the relief is only temporary. The detachment lingers, even once I'm home. Programming used to be escape, the place in my mind I could retreat to where things made sense. Problems were solved in the form of for, while, switch, if or else but that's no longer a place I can reach, not right now. This makes programming for my project a chore; the air thickens...

Before you freak out let me explain a few things. First, yes, I'm depressed and it sucks. Second, I'll get over it without doing anything stupid like self-mutilation, self-medication, or suicide. And third, I wrote this - in part - to get it off my chest but also with a hint of creative writing. While I mean everything I wrote, the imagery was meant to be shocking. It's the best way to convey this feeling. So if you were going to reply with "don't do it, you have so much to live for", don't bother. I wouldn't even think of it. Any other comments, however, are welcome.


-Crash

Monday, November 9, 2009

Long overdue update


If any of you have been following on Twitter, you probably already know what's been going on lately. If not then it's about time I fill you in! Sorry that I haven't updated lately, nothing major has been going on at all.

First big update, I got the job 3 months ago. I fucking hate it. Bet you didn't expect that one. The job blows though. I'm the only real developer. My boss used to have my job but he's a shitty developer as far as I'm concerned. I was told there were 5 developers...bullshit. There are 5 people at the company that can muddle their way through code, that does not make one a developer. That and nobody has any clue what the development cycle should be like. Plan FIRST, code after, not the other way around!

Next update, I'm fucking depressed. Maybe it's my job carrying over into the real world, maybe it's that I'm just a whiner. All I know is that I'm not content with where I'm at in life. People tell me to be patient, that I'm still young and that I'm doing well for my age. Why the fuck can't I afford to move out yet then? What about being upto my eyeballs in student loans and credit card debt? Wonderful.

I just feel like something is missing. I didn't feel this way when I had a girlfriend, maybe that's the missing piece. Then again, my previous girlfriends didn't work out well and caused me far more grief in the end than it was really worth.

Let's try thinking about the good times recently. I went to Six Flags on Halloween with my little cousin. That was fun. We went on rides til we were bored and we couldn't walk anymore. On a sidenote he's got a girlfriend now. Oddly enough I'm a tad jealous. I used to be the person he'd look forward to seeing every week, now she's taken that spot. He deserves it, though, as long as he doesn't get in any trouble. Whatever gets his mind off of his dysfunctional family life and is healthy for him (not drugs or gangs) is ok by me. They've been going to the movies on Friday nights. It's kinda cute, really. Like I said, he needs his mind off of his shitty stepmother and a father that's far too laid back. Those two things together are a recipe for disaster. I try to be a buffer and hopefully it does him some good. His grades have certainly improved over the last year, which I can only hope is a direct result of my involvement, at least my uncle thinks so.

Quite honestly, my uncle and cousin are the only people keeping me sane as of late. It keeps me distracted; gives me something to do. Otherwise I'd be feeling sorry for myself at home 7 days a week, instead I'm doing that 5 times a week. I guess it's an improvement though, right? I'll take what I can get.

-Crash