Depressed again

The past few days have been really shitty. I mean REALLY shitty. Last week I got reprimanded for not going to the office often enough, a 50 mile, 1 hour journey including $8 in tolls. I didn't fucking feel like it after my accident, rental or not. Also, not that it should really matter to them anyway but, I've been babysitting so I was staying home with my cousin to ensure he ate, did his homework, etc.

Today I got reprimanded for not looking busy enough. Apparently when the CEO, COO, CWhateverO walks by and I have my two browser windows open (one for work, one for other stuff like music, etc) it gives the notion that I'm not performing my duties at work. They should be glad I even do jack shit there considering the clusterfuck that place is. My work is done on time and is satisfactorily efficient, what the fuck does it matter how busy I look?

Bryan's been bored out of his mind and I feel so bad because he has absolutely nothing to do here. I should've just stayed at his house and then he'd be able to go out with his friends or something. Too late now, tomorrow is New Year's Eve already. I feel like I've made Thanksgiving and Christmas absolutely miserable for him. He didn't want to spend them with me or my family. He wanted to spend it with his dad and/or his brother. No matter what, it all comes down to the fact that I'm extended family. I don't feel like I could ever make a big enough impact in his life. He may love me but I'm investing far too much of myself in this fruitless crusade. His father needs to be the one to nurture him, not me. I'm just his cousin when all is said and done. The return on investment will never match what I put in and I can't expect it to.

I was at work when all of this came to my mind. I wanted to scream. I wanted to break the keyboard, punch the monitors, cry, curl up in a ball, sleep, and just exist outside of time and space. I wanted to be without being. I wanted to stop feeling, stop everything. I wanted everything to just go away. I started hyperventilating again. I feel like such a failure. A freak, damaged, unable to cope with human emotion. I can't be happy, not for long anyway. My life is just an emotional roller coaster. Up and down, round and round. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day. I just want it all to make sense. I want to organize my feelings, my thoughts, my life, but the harder I try the more it resists organization.

I try leave from under my parents' collective wing and what happens? I get rear-ended. I try to help my cousin but the best thing I could've done was probably not have been here. Maybe that would've forced his father to spend time with him. I try to be happy and I'm only miserable.

It's almost as if there is no "good", only "less shitty".