The Dark Side

I've felt out of control only once before and that was about 8 months ago. It was the day before a coworker got fired. I couldn't stand him. He was incredibly annoying, hardly had a personality and could spew verbal diarrhea with incredible ease. His blatant lies hardly even gave him pause. On top of that I was cleaning up after his coding mess for months.

I had reached my breaking point. I could no longer take it. I was LITERALLY being driven insane. I normally pride myself on being resilient and enduring in the face of adversity but this was different. This was insurmountable and worse yet, it consumed me from the inside out. It felt like my chest was hollow. I would have fits of what I can only guess to be a panic attack. My pulse raced, my breathing becoming more rapid, and yet I was suffocating. My ability to think was gone. I would take more frequent breaks in order to escape the person mere inches away just behind the wall of the adjoining cubicle but it was in vain. I had to return to my desk eventually. I would be on an emotional rollercoaster experiencing a range of emotions - from apathy and detachment to rage, to despair.

I had never experienced anything like that before, but sadly it would return.

I've been struggling to get my life in order. I've finally reached 90 days at my job which means I can receive health insurance and finally get my shoulder properly taken care of. My finances were in shambles before unemployment, now I need to get that taken care of. Two friends and I started a project and I can't say I even have the will to follow through. I'm trying to move out of my parents' house. I don't feel right here.

All these things together have brought back that feeling of drowning or suffocating. Sitting at my computer at work trying to will myself to be productive so as not to end up unemployed, only this time through direct inaction on my part - suddenly the air feels thick and I gasp once or twice, but the relief is only temporary. The detachment lingers, even once I'm home. Programming used to be escape, the place in my mind I could retreat to where things made sense. Problems were solved in the form of for, while, switch, if or else but that's no longer a place I can reach, not right now. This makes programming for my project a chore; the air thickens...

Before you freak out let me explain a few things. First, yes, I'm depressed and it sucks. Second, I'll get over it without doing anything stupid like self-mutilation, self-medication, or suicide. And third, I wrote this - in part - to get it off my chest but also with a hint of creative writing. While I mean everything I wrote, the imagery was meant to be shocking. It's the best way to convey this feeling. So if you were going to reply with "don't do it, you have so much to live for", don't bother. I wouldn't even think of it. Any other comments, however, are welcome.


-Crash