Seeing somebody die

I had the most fucked up dream I've EVER had last night. Only once have I felt emotion so strong in a dream and it was horrific.

Last night I went to sleep and I don't remember much about the bulk of my dreams except for the fact that I know I had more than one but only one sticks out in my mind. I'm in what appears to be a mall, in a store. In this store is my boss and with her are her husband and my old boss (we all work together). Suddenly we see the sewers (in the middle of the main hallway of this mall as if it were a street) start to explode upwards with a rush of water and a fireball engulfing the column of water. One by one they do this down the "street". It seems that in this dream my boss' husband is a firefighter and he's going to go rush off to solve this problem. We tell him a few times that he needn't worry (odd), possibly because nobody's hurt or walking there...and it's a dream so stuff doesn't make sense. Around the 3rd-4th explosion it reaches a central section, kind of like an intersection. This intersection simply explodes and collapses. Now we have a problem.

Water starts gushing out onto the "street" in all directions. It seems that this "street" is on the 3rd floor of this "mall" though. There are 2 girls at the edge of the street when the water starts gushing and it starts to cover one of the girls and push her. After a few tense moments it seems she's ok...but the other girl jumps for some reason. I quickly take off a layer of clothing, my jacket I think, and jump after her but land only one floor down. I'm sure she went further. I run around to the side she was on when she jumped and hurdle a wall that appears lead down another floor. At the top of this wall I realize it's a fountain. It's shallow. I look to my right and see the little girl crushed. She landed in this shallow fountain. Her mother comes running behind me a few moments later and scoops up her dead child. I'm in shock. Somebody yells to get her camera. She had a camera around her neck when she jumped. For some reason getting the camera seemed important. I run to get the camera and see it's completely smashed in but not shattered. This camera was symbolic of the girl and her state. My boss comes up behind me to give me a hug. I run and curl up in a corner facing the wall as I hold the camera, whimpering. I wake up whimpering. I've never felt so much loss.

Brush with Death

I was driving home last night after going out to a bar to celebrate the launch of a new website. I'm driving back home on the Parkway and I'm anal about certain things. One of which is not driving in the left lane unless you're actually passing somebody. The Parkway is desolate. Maybe a car here or there, but getting towards my exit, I'm maybe 10 minutes out and I grab my phone to change the song (I have my radio playing off my phone) and I look up...I see brake lights on the shoulder and I'm thinking...ok that's weird. I'm doing about 80-90 and all of a sudden i FLY past something in the left lane. I look in my mirror and see tail lights. Apparently the car on the shoulder had collided with the CAR that I flew past in the left lane. If I had been in the left lane I never would've seen him. His front end was smashed pretty badly and his headlights were completely broken because of it meaning I wouldn't have seen him until...well until i was about to hit him at ~80MPH.

Some scary shit. I'm alive out of sheer luck. I had a 33% chance of getting into an accident there and probably inches away from 100%

What happens when you get old

A few months ago my grandmother's health began to decline. My mom hopped on a flight last week. She feared it may be the last time she saw my grandmother alive and it's been 2-3 years since they last saw each other. It seems she took a turn for the worse and now my aunt will be flying out. I have to drive her to the airport. Her flight leaves at 7 so we need to be there a few hours before then.

Tonight won't be fun. Not sure if I'll even go to work tomorrow. Maybe I'll go late after a decent bit of rest. I told them today that I wasn't sure if I'd be coming in tomorrow. We'll see how this goes.

When I was young (about 5-6) I had such a fear of getting old and dying. I would cry and come up with theories on how to beat death. I thought you didn't die until you hit the floor. I remember thinking that if I held on to something I wouldn't fall, thus not dying.

I'd rather not think about death and it's inevitability. I'd rather think about life and its inconceivable complexity.