The More Things Change...

The more they stay the same.

I'm quite annoyed right now. My cousin hasn't come home yet and it's 7. I asked my uncle where his son is and he simply responds with "I don't know. He didn't call me or anything." I wait an hour or so and proceeded to prod my uncle again. "You may want to find out where you son is." I say to him only to get some lame excuse I expect from his son. I hand him my phone and have him call his son, who doesn't answer. He calls his son's friend who also doesn't pick up. I ask him if he's got his son's friend's mom's number and he tells me "He never gave it to me." Seriously? This is your rationale? How about fucking following up on this shit? It's your kid and he spends time at this person's house, shouldn't you have their goddamn number? It sure as hell isn't his kid's top priority so he needs to make sure he, as both adult AND parent, gets that number.

Come to think of it he's probably at the skating rink (who knew those would be cool again?) but still, my uncle's apathy is appalling. I'm not even sure I could describe it as apathy, I know he cares about his son but he's just so laid back about this it's truly bordering on disturbing. I thought things would change, I see I thought wrong. I've stopped being the parent and he filled the role for 2 weeks but that seems to be his limit. I refuse to play parent anymore. Bryan will simply end up hating me for being so strict and I will be the only one to blame should his upbringing be questioned.

I think I may have to walk away from this situation and hope it turns out for the best. I truly hate the idea but I'm not sure I can do anything more.

Let's change the subject. I'll be delivering the check for the car tomorrow and then I just need to register the car. I'll be driving my M3 soon. I start my new job on Monday and hopefully I'll be moving into my apartment in April. Things are looking up for my independence. I'm making some serious money (hopefully I'll be hired full time, this is a 6 month contract with possibility of hire) and hopefully my debt should be severely reduced over the course of the next year. Let's see what happens.

The Universe and its Complexities

Buying this car has been an absolute nightmare. It's just been one setback after another. The bank screwed up from day one and then wouldn't give us a replacement check. They said we had to reapply for the loan in order to get another check sent out but failed to mention there's a 90 day waiting period to reapply so we got immediately denied the loan when we reapplied. 2 days ago I applied with Bank of America instead and they handle EVERYTHING. We don't need to register the car or pay any of the DMV fees, they handle all of that and include it as part of the loan (hehe, not free unfortunately). They also offered to refinance the loan in a few months to get a lower rate which means that everything worked out as it should. Had BMW Bank NA not fucked up, I would pay somewhere around 7%, but instead Bank of America is willing to refinance at 5%. EPIC WIN!

I got a call on Thursday from the job I had interviewed for and they asked me to lower my hourly rate. I lowered it b $2 (not a huge deal) and they agreed to it. I got a new job starting February 1! I gave my two weeks notice yesterday as I left work. I sat down with my manager and he understood that more money and shorter commute isn't something they could very well compete with.

I was incredibly pissed off this week (any of you who follow on Twitter may know) because before Thursday everything just seemed to be on a spiral downturn. The car seemed to be slipping away and I hadn't heard anything back from the job. The loan was completely fucked up at that point and everything seemed to be coming down on my head. Thursday everything changed though and the loan came through on Friday.

I must admit that there are greater forces at work here. I can't fathom that all of this happened like this at random. I seem to have done something right and gotten in somebody's good graces.

Some Clout (thanks to a 16 year old)

I have to say that reading MirrorBoy's last post was an eye-opener. I've been doing the same thing, only in real life, for a while now. I've pushed aside my own needs and put others' needs ahead of my own. For him to have such clout at the age of 16 is, quite frankly, amazing.

A friend of mine has been telling me I need to move on with my life and stop taking on my uncle and cousins' problems on but I argued that they're family and I should help them whenever I can. Right now I'm torn as to how much I should help because I've been almost taking on the role my uncle should've taken which simply makes me a crutch, not a solution to the problem. I think it's time to step back and hope I've made enough of a difference and they'll take over on their own.

I hate this feeling though. Anyway - MirrorBoy, do what you need to do. I know how you feel and how hard this decision must be for you.

A Happy New Year

I'm still here at my uncle's house where my family came for New Year's Eve. I'm glad we all got together. It felt great to see some family friends I hadn't seen in a while.

I faxed what will hopefully be the last of the documents needed to complete the car purchase. I will be the proud owner of a 2004 BMW M3 by next week of all goes well.

I'm not feeling as emotionally shitty as I was the other day. I went to a friend's house with another friend that night. We all talked, downed 2 bottles of wine and things felt better. I'm going to enjoy this new year or die trying.


-Crash

Depressed again

The past few days have been really shitty. I mean REALLY shitty. Last week I got reprimanded for not going to the office often enough, a 50 mile, 1 hour journey including $8 in tolls. I didn't fucking feel like it after my accident, rental or not. Also, not that it should really matter to them anyway but, I've been babysitting so I was staying home with my cousin to ensure he ate, did his homework, etc.

Today I got reprimanded for not looking busy enough. Apparently when the CEO, COO, CWhateverO walks by and I have my two browser windows open (one for work, one for other stuff like music, etc) it gives the notion that I'm not performing my duties at work. They should be glad I even do jack shit there considering the clusterfuck that place is. My work is done on time and is satisfactorily efficient, what the fuck does it matter how busy I look?

Bryan's been bored out of his mind and I feel so bad because he has absolutely nothing to do here. I should've just stayed at his house and then he'd be able to go out with his friends or something. Too late now, tomorrow is New Year's Eve already. I feel like I've made Thanksgiving and Christmas absolutely miserable for him. He didn't want to spend them with me or my family. He wanted to spend it with his dad and/or his brother. No matter what, it all comes down to the fact that I'm extended family. I don't feel like I could ever make a big enough impact in his life. He may love me but I'm investing far too much of myself in this fruitless crusade. His father needs to be the one to nurture him, not me. I'm just his cousin when all is said and done. The return on investment will never match what I put in and I can't expect it to.

I was at work when all of this came to my mind. I wanted to scream. I wanted to break the keyboard, punch the monitors, cry, curl up in a ball, sleep, and just exist outside of time and space. I wanted to be without being. I wanted to stop feeling, stop everything. I wanted everything to just go away. I started hyperventilating again. I feel like such a failure. A freak, damaged, unable to cope with human emotion. I can't be happy, not for long anyway. My life is just an emotional roller coaster. Up and down, round and round. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day. I just want it all to make sense. I want to organize my feelings, my thoughts, my life, but the harder I try the more it resists organization.

I try leave from under my parents' collective wing and what happens? I get rear-ended. I try to help my cousin but the best thing I could've done was probably not have been here. Maybe that would've forced his father to spend time with him. I try to be happy and I'm only miserable.

It's almost as if there is no "good", only "less shitty".

Christmas wishes and lots of food

Hopin you're all having a great Christmas, and if you don't celebrate Christmas then happy holidays!

I'm at a formal dinner with friends of the family. They're very nice people and the food is great. Bryan is, unfortunately, bored out of his mind. Like I said, it's formal so I didn't figure he'd have much to do. He's being a trooper though. He's entertaining the kids but they're 5 and 6.

I'll be going to finish the car stuff tomorrow morning. Let's hope for the best. Thanks for all of your Christmas wishes.


-Crash

Teenagers, Oh Boy...

My cousin got picked up by his brother on Monday night. He was there until last night so that was roughly 48 hours. He absolutely did NOT want to come with me and complained all the way home about how he doesn't know the people we'll be spending Christmas with and that he didn't care to even remember their names and how he wasn't going to have fun. I humored him and told him it would be the most horrible Christmas he would ever have, with all the presents he's getting and what not. How could anybody POSSIBLY enjoy getting presents? Sounds horrible to me too!

It seems to me, regardless of what we'd be doing he would've complained when it came time to come home because he wanted to spend Christmas with his brother. His father gave me very specific instructions that he was not to spend Christmas there because it would be awkward. His brother was going to be at his girlfriend's parents' house. They hardly know him and to have his little brother over as well would be strange.

Oh well. I wonder if I was like this when I was a teenager. The answer is probably yes. Whiney, constantly complaining and questioning authority...the definition of a teenager.