What We Take for Granted

The wisdom and insight of those around us is probably foremost on that list.  This morning I got on my computer as I always do and read that John Travolta's son died.  Quite honestly, this means very little to me, I'm not one to follow the stars but it is a sad occurrence regardless.  I read this article and put it in the back of my mind as I tend to do.  A few hours later my mom and I talked for a few minutes and we went back to doing what we were doing.

For some reason I felt like bringing up the John Travolta story.  She's usually up on the happenings in Hollywood for some reason.  I mentioned it and we got to talking.  We talked at length about life and eventually got to the topic of what we do with our lives.  She's said before that I should enjoy my life while I'm young (don't get tied down, don't feel you have obligations anywhere or to anyone but yourself).  This particular conversation went the route of the job offer in Canada I told you guys about.  She said that she was excited when I told her about it because she had always wanted to travel the world and that it doesn't matter where a job takes me (career-wise and life-wise) I should experience as much as I can of the world, of life. (sidenote: the job turned out to be for a company that made their website in what appears to be Microsoft Frontpage...I don't think I want to work with them.  That and they have no portfolio.)

We had worked out a payment schedule a few months ago so that I could chip in and pay rent (not my idea) since times are tough and the mortgage is expensive.  She told me just now that regardless of what we worked out, I have no obligations here and if I want to go I should and should I ever find it didn't work out I always have a home to come back to...regardless of whether my stuff has been thrown out or not (and she said she probably would throw it out).

I never thought I'd feel this way but I think I want to go.  I want to apply to jobs EVERYWHERE and see what comes up.  I had originally confined my job search to Northern NJ, then extended it into NY.  After the Canadian job I aded Canada and I think I'm done being passive about this job search thing.  I'll list myself as open to work just about anywhere and I'm going to start actively looking.  Forget depending on recruiters.  It's January, companies will hopefully have a new round of funding for the new year either now or soon and that means looking for talent.  I'm currently working on version 3 of my Woot!-off checker and it will be my crowning achievement.  I hope to have a job before I finish it but if I don't, I'm sure it will help me get my foot in the door.

Friends and Acquaintances

I've said it before and it bears repeating because I feel so naive.  I always considered myself a good judge of character and I consciously repress those feelings because I don't want to be prejudiced.  I want to be fair to everyone so I give people a chance.  Stupid me.

I went to a co-worker's house, he made this cranberry-grape and Skyy drink.  You couldn't taste the alcohol at all...wow was that a bad idea (because it was DELICIOUS!).  So here we are playing poker, there are about 6 of us.  We all go out for a cigarette (I don't smoke but I wanted to be social so I went out there to accompany them) and at some point the host's brother whips out two half-smoked joints.  I haven't smoked in about 3 years so I figured there was no harm in it.  My boss did as well and a friend of ours just stared at us and told us how disappointed he was.  He proceeded to really lay into my boss for it because she has kids and what not.

Before I continue this story, let me say that I don't condone drug abuse.  I normally don't smoke but I have no problem with recreational use every once in a while.  It'll probably be another 3 years if I ever smoke again and it's not for lack of availability, I've turned it down plenty of times in the past 3 years.  That being said, I'm not going to give anybody shit for doing the same.  If you smoke every week though, then there's a bit of a problem and I'll try to convince you to stop, but I most certainly won't go on and insult you and so forth.  Let's continue where we left off...

I went inside, it was cold out.  We basically took 2 puffs each and it was gone.  Apparently they stayed outside smoking their cigarettes and he really let her have it.  He then goes on to say some really fucked up stuff about her marriage and how her husband thinks she's having an affair with him but he should really be worrying about me...all within earshot of our host, which I said earlier, we work with.  Wonderful.  Apparently he also continued to say shit at the table while we were playing poker.  I honestly don't remember half of this because I was just beginning to sober up from the vodka but I'm told things were said and friendships are on the rocks now.  He said something to the effect of "You need to slap your wife around" and my boss' husband responded with a firm "keep your mouth shut".  Needless to say, he won't be invited to further get-togethers.

This is some good shit.  When I met him he looked like a complete asshole.  I didn't talk to him at work for months before I had to work with him on the same team.  At that point, we became friends and he was recently laid off.  He was always a bit of a dick to people but it was mostly funny and somewhat harmless.  Now I'm realizing my initial observation was correct and I completely ignored it.

I'm not the kind of person that's emotionally open.  For me to open up to somebody takes time, lots of it.  Even then, even though I may have opened up to them I'm still very guarded and nobody really knows anything about my life and the goings-on in my head/heart.  I keep few friends for this reason and to lose one this way means I have even fewer now.  Amazing.  I used to consider my lack of friends a virtue because I go for quality, not quantity but now I'm starting to feel alone but still unwilling to waiver in the quality of friends I look for.  Do I consider more people friends and simply take what they say and do with a grain of salt and chalk it up to their personality or do I have fewer friends?  I guess this is where somebody says "Welcome to the real world".  I'm not ready.

Life lessons of the real world

I'm not going to lie, you're going to see a lot of work-related posts in this blog.  The fact is I code for a living and it's what I love to do so it stands to reason that since it's not only what I love but what I do every day that I'll have quite a few blogs about it.  That being said, I wish to share one of life's lessons with you.

Today - Monday, October 20th, 2008 - I learned a valuable life lesson about trust.  As many of you know, trust is hard to gain and easily broken.  Trust is terribly fragile and once betrayed, it's very hard to establish a relationship with the person that betrayed said trust.  Some people are out for themselves, it's a fact of life.  That's not necessarily a bad thing because, in the end, it's simply animal instinct to make sure you come out on top - survival of the fittest, if you will.

You might be wonder what I'm babbling about.  It boils down to the fact that I had my 6 month review today at work.  I thought it went fairly well.  I didn't get the raise I wanted but I got a bonus and I was told the raise would most certainly happen at the 1 year mark, mainly because the company is slowly being drained of funds by unmentionable sources.  I left the meeting with a good feeling.  I was sure my faith in the company, and most importantly my boss, had been renewed (we had a bit of a blowout last week when he managed to come down on the whole department because he was having a bad week).  I knew he had lied to me before but I figured I could get past it and continue a working relationship with him.  After all, I'm still getting paid.  I found out later in the day that although he presented me with two options during our meeting, one of those options had money attached which was not mentioned.  In retrospect he led me to the choice he wanted me to make and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.  Mind you that I have yet to sign a contract with the terms we agreed to in that office and I most certainly won't sign anything until I explore all the possibilities open to me.

I'm very childlike in my mentality.  To me, things tend to be black or white.  I'm a developer, I guess you can say I see things as binary or boolean, 1 or 0, true or false.  I tend to trust those around me.  It's clearly not the best practice but at the same time I don't wish to be closed to the world and unapproachable.  It seems I merely need to open my eyes instead of needing somebody to accidentally tell me something for it to hit me.  Maybe I'm not ready for the real world.  The real world is ugly, full of lies and betrayal.  It's a place for the battle-hardened.  I find it difficult to justify what happened in that office today.  I can't comprehend what motivation he had to mislead me (or lead me, in this case).  I have a lot of growing ahead of me and a big decision to make in the next few days.

I originally thought of quitting because I can't work for somebody who is going to constantly lie to me and I'm supposed to trust that this person is relaying my messages to upper management and back in the chain of command.  I'm not sure I can deal with the pressures of work as well as having to worry about what he's lied to me about today.  However I also thought of the fact that I'm not there to understand him.  I'm there for me and to further my career.  If I make as much money as possible at the company and put as many projects as possible on my resumé it can only benefit me and I'll have a huge stepping stone for my next job.

I'll have to see what I end up doing in the next few days.