So much to tell

I might as well start of by telling you guys that I got a new job. I know it's been quite a while since I last posted and it's mainly because everything sucked for a while. This job pays VERY well and they value the quality of the code written, not just the quantity. I've been at the job about a month now and I love it so far.

I also got a new phone, a Samsung Fascinate (Galaxy S SCH-i500) which is a very fun Android phone to play with.

None of this is why I chose to write this blog post, though. About a month ago was my little cousin's birthday party. He turned 14 and we had a small family gathering for him. It was fairly last minute and, as usual, his father bailed halfway through. I told my cousins that I may take over my parents' mortgage since I'm making good money now and my parents want to retire and move away. On hearing this my little cousin's older brother suggests my cousin move in with me.

He declined saying he wished to go to school with his friends, which I can't fault him for. He called me tonight to tell me he's reconsidered because he believes he has a better chance at getting recruited to college on a soccer scholarship if he goes to high school around my area than where he lives now. Quite frankly I'm honored he'd consider living with me.

I spoke with my uncle (not his father but another uncle) about this and he thinks it's far more responsibility than I should take on, no matter how much I love my cousin and want to give him a better life than he currently has. Raising a teenager will be very challenging, especially a teenager that isn't yours. I have until the beginning of the next school-year to consider this and deliberate very carefully. I'm not sure what I should do just yet but one thing is for sure, I won't be making any rash decisions.

My uncle then dropped a bombshell on me. He told me his sister-in-law is to raise his two kids (currently 5 and 4 years old) should he and his wife die and that he wants me to raise them should anything happen to his sister-in-law. He told me to think about it long and hard because it's a big decision. The likelihood of that happening is very slim, but still something that needs careful deliberation.

I now have two monumental decisions to make that impact my family. I would love to immediately say yes to both but they are not decisions to be taken lightly.

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Further Explanation

So I told you guys I'd update you today after my interview. It didn't go particularly well. I did fine on the PHP and HTML/CSS/JS portions of the 3 person interview but the SQL didn't go so well. Oh well. If I get it, great. If I don't, no skin off my nose. I went to visit some of my former co-workers after my interview. It was good times. It's nice to see your friends after a long time.

I also said I'd update you guys on the family situation. It's fairly amusing, really. I've been grooming my uncle to become the father he's failed to be so far. Out of a cosmic twist of fate (and some luck) the airline didn't allow my cousin to fly alone. This meant here was no way his mom could keep him if he wasn't there! Now he's spending Christmas here, I'm taking him to my house and we'll spend Christmas with my family.

My uncle is very lax with just about everything, from dealing with his kids to dealing with his wife. As I've told you guys before she's very Type-A so she's very bossy and controlling. After my outburst, my uncle saw the need to curb her attitude and set limits to how she deals with his son, mainly after his oldest son and I sat him down and talked to him. I'm also teaching him to say no to his son. He needs to learn both responsibility and accountability. He has things he's charged with doing around the house and he needs to do them before he can go out with his friends and such. The alternative is staying home until he completes those chores. My uncle has never put his foot down so I'm surprised my cousin is actually dealing with it fairly well. I'm also surprised he accepted me putting my foot down considering I'm not his father and he could easily dismiss me.

Hopefully everything I've tried to instill in my uncle will stick after he comes back from his trip to Colombia (again) only when he comes back he'll be with his wife so we'll see if somehow she can nullify everything I've done. As a people-watcher, I'm fascinated by this situation and the way it plays out. As a human being I'm appalled by the goings-on. As a family member I'm drawn to fix it.

You can't fix the world...

The Gift of Family

As you all know, I've been taking care of my cousin these past few days because his parents went to Colombia. My parents went to Puerto Rico so we were left to fend for ourselves for Thanksgiving. I called one of my uncles and we spent Thanksgiving with him and his family. My cousin wasn't, at all, thrilled with going there. He always felt my uncle never liked him because he would always yell at him. I tried to tell him it was because he loves him (I know, we've all heard it before but it really is true) and because he's fairly strict, even with his own kids (3 and 4 years old).

We discussed the family matters and we all learned a lot about each other and our loved ones. On the second night, though, we talked more specifically about my cousin's upcoming trip to Colombia. Unfortunately, we all know if he leaves he won't be coming back. His mom is very controlling and uses her children against their father. My uncle sure can pick them, eh? My cousins have a shitty stepmom and a shittier mother. God help them. In the end, the man my cousin didn't want to see turned out to not only be his Godfather but also promised to move the earth in order to do what's best for him. I don't feel so alone in this fight that almost seemed futile. My cousin has changed his view of our uncle.

We both cried a bit after all this talking and all the issues that came up. One particular issue was one of my other cousins, in particular my little cousin's brother. He's had it rough, much rougher than is at all fair for any human being. I had, honestly, given up on him and so had everybody else. He got in a lot of trouble when he was younger, he's only 17. He ended up arrested a few months back and was thrown out of the house but it all started far before that when his mother physically and mentally abused him. She did the same thing to my little cousin but not nearly to the same extent, he was her favorite and it's sad that she played favorites. His older brother was routinely locked away in his room if not beaten and nobody did anything about it. Here's the kicker, my uncle isn't my older cousin's father, technically the two of us aren't related but he's still family. He sees my uncle as his father and my uncle has always treated him like his son. He got involved with their mom in order to help him and ended up having a child with her.

In an odd twist of fate, my little cousin was expecting a visit from his brother today but it turned out he wouldn't be able to make it so instead we went to his apartment (he's 17 and has an apartment whereas I still don't, this puts things into perspective). After learning so much from our Thanksgiving talks I've come to see that his brother is FAR from where he almost ended up. He's doing very well for himself. He's stayed out of trouble and he has 2 jobs, a girlfriend, and is planning on going to college. I wish I could say I had something to do with that but I think the truth of the matter is that he is who he is because he suffered. He's suffered so much he's become callous (to some extent) and because of this he's been able to will himself through the latest leg of his life. I stayed until about 11:15 and my little cousin wanted to sleep over. I'll go pick him up tomorrow after they go shopping. His brother wants to buy him some shoes and stuff. It's good for them to spend some time together so I figured I wouldn't stay. They offered for me to stay over and asked me a few times but I declined.

It's sad that most of what I've known about my family has been either very one-sided or a flat out lie. Family goes to great lengths to hide its deep, dark secrets - to seem normal. At age 23 I've finally been let in on these secrets. Unfortunately my 13 year old cousin lived some of it and learned a lot more of it. Even worse, his 17 year old brother has been in the thick of most of it, at least in this particular case. There's far more that I've been told that boggles the mind and nobody wants to deal with so I won't even bother trying to. I'm still trying to take all this in and decide how to deal with the issue of my cousins.

I just hope between my uncle and I, we can help my little cousin with everything he NEEDS (not necessarily everything he WANTS) in order to ease the home situation and make sure he doesn't turn to drugs, alcohol, or getting in trouble just to escape his stepmother. I know his brother is also determined to help but I want him to sort his life out first before taking on another burden. I just wish I knew how to help him as well.

How do you right the parenting wrongs of another?

A Wonderful Surprise

I was at home on Tuesday when I got a text from my uncle saying his son would be flying in today. I was ecstatic. I took the day off and went to the airport with him this morning to pick him up. His flight arrived at 4:32AM so it was a long day.

He passed out around 9-9:30 while we were playing PS3. Poor little guy hadn't slept in probably over 20 hours. He complained that trying to sleep on the airplane was an impossible task.

He's 12 and I've babysat him since he was about 8 or 9. I would drive to my uncle's after or before work when I was working retail to make sure his homework was done and spend time with him. My uncle's a lawyer so his schedule can be quite random and sometimes incredibly long. Also the flying back and forth between his mother an father made it hard for him to make many friends here.

I'm a mere 10 years older than him but I almost feel like he's my son -- or at least I defend him like he is. I'm not sure what it is but I've always felt the need to protect him and watch out for him.

I'm not sure how long he'll be staying but I'll make sure to try to drive down to see him every once in a while. Itt's too bad my uncle moved more than an hour and a half away from me over the summer or I'd be able to make the trip more often.