I'm seeing a trend

I went to Six Flags with a friend, my cousin, and two of his friends. I wanted to make this a less shitty version of his birthday party (which was a disaster thanks to his dad). I figured we'd go to Six Flags and have fun at Fright Fest. On my first ride I dislocated my shoulder. I swear, I hate this goddamn shoulder. Luckily my friend was with me and dropped me off at the hospital. The kids were able to stay at Six Flags until it closed. He then dropped them off at home and came back to get me.

I've noticed that, without fail, I tend to dislocate my shoulder when I start a new job. It's quite annoying, really. I'm going to have to get surgery to fix this mess.

Worst weekend ever. His stepmom was a raging bitch this weekend, his father has no balls to stop her, and the shoulder didn't make matters any better.

So much to tell

I might as well start of by telling you guys that I got a new job. I know it's been quite a while since I last posted and it's mainly because everything sucked for a while. This job pays VERY well and they value the quality of the code written, not just the quantity. I've been at the job about a month now and I love it so far.

I also got a new phone, a Samsung Fascinate (Galaxy S SCH-i500) which is a very fun Android phone to play with.

None of this is why I chose to write this blog post, though. About a month ago was my little cousin's birthday party. He turned 14 and we had a small family gathering for him. It was fairly last minute and, as usual, his father bailed halfway through. I told my cousins that I may take over my parents' mortgage since I'm making good money now and my parents want to retire and move away. On hearing this my little cousin's older brother suggests my cousin move in with me.

He declined saying he wished to go to school with his friends, which I can't fault him for. He called me tonight to tell me he's reconsidered because he believes he has a better chance at getting recruited to college on a soccer scholarship if he goes to high school around my area than where he lives now. Quite frankly I'm honored he'd consider living with me.

I spoke with my uncle (not his father but another uncle) about this and he thinks it's far more responsibility than I should take on, no matter how much I love my cousin and want to give him a better life than he currently has. Raising a teenager will be very challenging, especially a teenager that isn't yours. I have until the beginning of the next school-year to consider this and deliberate very carefully. I'm not sure what I should do just yet but one thing is for sure, I won't be making any rash decisions.

My uncle then dropped a bombshell on me. He told me his sister-in-law is to raise his two kids (currently 5 and 4 years old) should he and his wife die and that he wants me to raise them should anything happen to his sister-in-law. He told me to think about it long and hard because it's a big decision. The likelihood of that happening is very slim, but still something that needs careful deliberation.

I now have two monumental decisions to make that impact my family. I would love to immediately say yes to both but they are not decisions to be taken lightly.

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Busy bee

My friend and I have been working on a website for a local marina. He pretty much did all of it, haha. He was bored, he just graduated college, and had time on his hands so he started throwing features in for the hell of it. I learned some Cake (PHP Framework) so that was good.

Aside from that, I dislocated my shoulder again on Sunday during my uncle's Memorial Day barbecue. I was playing football with my little cousin. I threw the ball, he came at me and I went to bring him down. That's about all I remember before I hit the floor. He says he stiff-armed me and hit my arm. All I know is my arms were out, I felt an impact, and heard a crunch.

As odd as this may sound, it's not so bad. It hurts like a bitch when it's out but when you either have drugs or it's back in, it's pretty much over and you move on with your life. The only difference is you've experienced something very few people have. You're one experience richer. Sure, it's not exactly a pleasant experience but it's still different.

I've also been working on my personal website, which is long overdue. The code was easy, the content has been the hardest part so far. It's always been hard for me to say anything about myself or my work because I don't like to toot my own horn, I usually let my code do the talking. I'll be putting it up in the next few days.

A quick shout out to Mirrorboy for being far stronger than me even though he's only 17. He could teach us all a thing or two.

Such a pushover

Came to my uncle's house for the weekend. Might leave tomorrow morning. My uncle seems to have promised my cousin a bike and when he went back on his word last night my cousin threw a tantrum. Not a "yelling and throwing stuff" tantrum but more of a "depressed, went to sleep early, nobody talk to me" tantrum. I guess that's not really a tantrum, is it? In any case, I went out and got him the bike anyway. Consequences me damned.

We played catch, ran around, and rode the bike today so far. It seems the main reason he asked for a bike is because his friends are going to a pool party but they're riding their bikes there. I'm glad he's happy now. I feel like a bit of a pushover, to be honest. Oh well.

One of my uncles planned a birthday party for me and invited the whole family (no, seriously, the whole family) next week. Should be fun and also interresting. I'll fill you all in on more details later.


-Crash

A few changes

I've decided to start a web development blog. I think I'll host it on my site and build it from scratch. I'll probably start tonight.

I sat down with the recruiters last Friday and they, of course, are trying to convince me to stay. This Saturday is my 90 day mark, the halfway point. I'm having serious doubts about being able to finish out this contract. To add insult to injury I've turned down countless opportunities (not actual job offers but recruiters that call with potential jobs). Today I got red in the face and felt like I was about to blow at the absurdity I've been facing. Just a few minutes ago I got that, all too familiar, anxiety.

I actually heard one of the developers say "As long as it works in one browser, who cares?". This website is already 28 days overdue and changes are still being made by the powers that be. I think it's time to find a new recruiter, and consequently a new job. I've been trying to talk myself out of that but I'm not sure I'll be able to stand this place for another three months.

I've gotten calls about jobs that pay between $40 and $50 an hour, that's between $83,000 and $100,000 per year. It's very tempting. What I'm worried about is how this will look on my résumé. I don't want to seem flaky. I have good reasons for not staying at those jobs and I'm sure I can convey that during an interview. What I don't want is for them to judge me based on my resume and then not even get to the interview step. Also, if I start missing days at work because I'm interviewing I'll most likely get fired. I don't want to end up out of a job because I was looking for a job.

This is tough.

-Crash

The shitstorm

On Friday I had planned to visit a friend of mine in PA. Because it's a long drive and I didn't want to get caught in rush hour traffic I opted to come in to work early and leave early. I came in to work at 5:30AM and left at 2:30PM. Some might see that as diligent, responsible, or even just doing my job (getting my full 8 hours in). Others only look at the negative, the fact that I left early. The latter would be my manager.

I got an email reprimanding me for not telling her I would be leaving early, despite the fact that I told my supervisor of my plan days ahead of time and the fact that I made sure the day of that I wouldn't be needed for the rest of the day and the fact that I got all my work done. That pushed me over the edge. I called the recruiter and then I sat down with my boss to straighten things out. It turns out she has no idea what I work on all day, no idea how productive I am or am not. As it also turns out she's been removing my supervisor's subordinates one by one by putting them on other projects. I'm the only one left still working under him (by her own admission).

My supervisor is a really nice guy and his code is good, it just seems his leadership is lacking. What bothers me is that she is taking such sneaky measures to effectively demote him. It also bothers me that she told me all of this. I'm not here to be in the middle of a battle of wills, to take sides, or to hold anybody's hand. I'm here to work, get stuff done, and get it done right. What I'm worried about is how it will look on my resume if I don't finish out my contract. I only have 3 and a half months left to my contract. I'm thinking of just toughing it out and getting the fuck out when it's up.

The fun part is that it seems my manager has made waves with another contractor as well and that the recruiter had to step in to smooth things over. Let's see how this all plays out.

The cycle continues

Pride will be my biggest asset or my downfall. I'm not yet sure which it is.

After 2 months and 2 weeks at my current job I'm ready to beat people's skulls into their desks for lack of common sense, lack of knowledge of the tehnologies they were hired for, and lack of planning on the websites we've been tasked with building. I'm going to stick it out the rest of the week before telling the recruiter that I'm no longer willing to finish out my contract. Luckily NJ has at-will employment, that means I can quit at will and they can also fire me at will.

I take pride in what I do because it's what I love. Even if it wasn't, it's my job, I get paid to do this. I might as well do it right. Apathy is setting in and I'm no longer willing to fight. If I don't have the will to fight for my code, best practices, or the security of the website (or lack thereof) then I'm no longer an asset to the company. Furthermore, this website will do nothing to further my career. It's not something to be proud of so I will most likely not mention it as prior experience.

In that case, why am I here? Time to start job hunting again.


-Crash

An interesting few weeks

I've had a pretty good last few weeks with the exception of the past two days. I've thoroughly enjoyed my new car and I'll continue to for quite some time.

I've been really busy at work but I've had a bitch of a time balancing quality against their deadline. I like to be proud of my work and they just want it done by their due date. To be honest it doesn't really concern me what their due date is since it's not my fault they're behind. I'll do what I can as quick as I can as best I can.

I'm heading to my uncle'a house today but before that I'm getting a long overdue haircut. That's all for now, folks. I'll post anything I might have forgotten later


-Crash

Shitting Bricks

Hey, all. I just picked up the title to my car yesterday! I'm so happy that I'll finally get to drive my car. I'll register the car this Saturday which means that's when I'll pick up the car from the seller's house. I've already made the first payment on the loan so it's really about time that I got to drive the car. To be honest, I'm glad I didn't have the car yet. Considering this huge snow hurricane the northeast got this past week, I would've killed myself had I been driving the car and crashed it or something happened at all.

Anyway, that's now the reason I'm shitting bricks. I've been absolutely obsessed with my budget as of late. I'm constantly checking my bank account and modifying my budget to make sure I'll stay within the lines. I'm bent on moving out, though I had to push it back to August. I'm trying my hardest to, both, get out of debt as quickly as possible, and save up as much as is necessary to move out. So far I'm looking good in terms of my budget. I actually saved money this month over what I projected. Let's hope the other months are just as good, if not better.

My Surreal Day

I went to Raymour & Flannigan today to check out some Presidents Day deals and look at some stuff that was different from Bob's Furniture. I wasn't sure I'd find anything at a decent price but we found quite a few things for a great price, a little too much stuff. I planned out my living/dining room and my bedroom including a mattress. It worked out to $6474. That cuts into my TV budget so I probably won't have a TV in the living room for a bit. I'll also most likely have to delay moving in by about 2 weeks to make sure I have enough money to fall back on just in case. This makes the whole moving out thing much more real. I need to make sure it all fits in the apartment! I'll most likely head that way this week and submit the credit application for the apartment. I'll probably need a co-signer since my credit's been crappy due to, both, my financial irresponsibility and my being unemployed for 3 months last year.

I went with my parents to visit my uncle up north since we were close by while buying the furniture (not the uncle I usually go visit). I played with the kids, they're 3 and 4. They're so much fun. He lent me his Grand Prix so I don't have to inconvenience my parents. He hardly uses the car and had it garaged since they use their minivan more often because of the kids. I'm hoping this car thing is solved soon.

Sidenote:
@Steve: The reason for the prices being so high is it's Northern NJ. The cost of living is quite high here compared to the rest of the country.

The Direction of Things

I started my new job 2 weeks ago and it's been good so far. I've been doing simple stuff and some more complex stuff as well. To be honest, the project itself scares me, not because it's too much to handle, but because it's a clusterfuck. I wouldn't put my name on that. Unfortunately it's mostly done so there's no chance of a rewrite. It's horrible and I've tried to merely do as I'm told in terms of fixing or adding features. I've had to fix stuff for browsers they didn't even test on like Safari and Chrome and even some javascript issues on IE7/8 which they DO test on but somehow didn't catch. I know this sounds like I'm bitching but it's a good thing. I'll be working on a new project soon and it's from scratch so there won't be any horrible code to look at :).

The car situation still isn't sorted out. The loan went through, luckily, but now I have to figure out how to get the title. It seems the seller's bank is going to send it to my lienholder, which I then have to request it from and have it sent to the DMV to register the car. It's annoying, but at least we got this far. I'm one step closer to driving my (realistic) dream car, an E46 M3.

I'm at my uncle's right now. I drove here last night in order to drop off his car, which he so graciously offered the use of, but I realize it's been 2 weeks now and he needs his car. I'll borrow my mom's car for a bit and if this takes too long, I'll simply rent one for a bit or ask my other uncle if I can borrow his Grand Prix.

I don't remember if I posted about this, sorry if I already did. I've been planning on moving out of my parents' house. My stepdad's company is closing in the next two years and he's pretty close to retiring anyway. They're planning on buying a house in Puerto Rico and moving there within that time period. That's not why I'm moving out, though. I've felt it's time for a while but after having been unemployed it took me a while to get back on my feet. I made a budget a few weeks ago and was planning on moving out with a friend of mine. Unfortunately it seems she won't be able to. I would've saved a lot more money by getting a 2 bedroom apartment and sharing the cost of utilities, furniture, etc. even if the rent was more than a 1 bedroom. I found a nice 1 bedroom near work for ~$1200/mo. It's a really good price for the area it's in considering the average is between $1300 and $1400. On paper, it should all work out and I'll be out of credit card debt by next May. I plan on moving in around April 1^st.

Cross your fingers! If all goes well, 2010 could be the year of my independence and a turning-point in my life.

The More Things Change...

The more they stay the same.

I'm quite annoyed right now. My cousin hasn't come home yet and it's 7. I asked my uncle where his son is and he simply responds with "I don't know. He didn't call me or anything." I wait an hour or so and proceeded to prod my uncle again. "You may want to find out where you son is." I say to him only to get some lame excuse I expect from his son. I hand him my phone and have him call his son, who doesn't answer. He calls his son's friend who also doesn't pick up. I ask him if he's got his son's friend's mom's number and he tells me "He never gave it to me." Seriously? This is your rationale? How about fucking following up on this shit? It's your kid and he spends time at this person's house, shouldn't you have their goddamn number? It sure as hell isn't his kid's top priority so he needs to make sure he, as both adult AND parent, gets that number.

Come to think of it he's probably at the skating rink (who knew those would be cool again?) but still, my uncle's apathy is appalling. I'm not even sure I could describe it as apathy, I know he cares about his son but he's just so laid back about this it's truly bordering on disturbing. I thought things would change, I see I thought wrong. I've stopped being the parent and he filled the role for 2 weeks but that seems to be his limit. I refuse to play parent anymore. Bryan will simply end up hating me for being so strict and I will be the only one to blame should his upbringing be questioned.

I think I may have to walk away from this situation and hope it turns out for the best. I truly hate the idea but I'm not sure I can do anything more.

Let's change the subject. I'll be delivering the check for the car tomorrow and then I just need to register the car. I'll be driving my M3 soon. I start my new job on Monday and hopefully I'll be moving into my apartment in April. Things are looking up for my independence. I'm making some serious money (hopefully I'll be hired full time, this is a 6 month contract with possibility of hire) and hopefully my debt should be severely reduced over the course of the next year. Let's see what happens.

The Universe and its Complexities

Buying this car has been an absolute nightmare. It's just been one setback after another. The bank screwed up from day one and then wouldn't give us a replacement check. They said we had to reapply for the loan in order to get another check sent out but failed to mention there's a 90 day waiting period to reapply so we got immediately denied the loan when we reapplied. 2 days ago I applied with Bank of America instead and they handle EVERYTHING. We don't need to register the car or pay any of the DMV fees, they handle all of that and include it as part of the loan (hehe, not free unfortunately). They also offered to refinance the loan in a few months to get a lower rate which means that everything worked out as it should. Had BMW Bank NA not fucked up, I would pay somewhere around 7%, but instead Bank of America is willing to refinance at 5%. EPIC WIN!

I got a call on Thursday from the job I had interviewed for and they asked me to lower my hourly rate. I lowered it b $2 (not a huge deal) and they agreed to it. I got a new job starting February 1! I gave my two weeks notice yesterday as I left work. I sat down with my manager and he understood that more money and shorter commute isn't something they could very well compete with.

I was incredibly pissed off this week (any of you who follow on Twitter may know) because before Thursday everything just seemed to be on a spiral downturn. The car seemed to be slipping away and I hadn't heard anything back from the job. The loan was completely fucked up at that point and everything seemed to be coming down on my head. Thursday everything changed though and the loan came through on Friday.

I must admit that there are greater forces at work here. I can't fathom that all of this happened like this at random. I seem to have done something right and gotten in somebody's good graces.

Some Clout (thanks to a 16 year old)

I have to say that reading MirrorBoy's last post was an eye-opener. I've been doing the same thing, only in real life, for a while now. I've pushed aside my own needs and put others' needs ahead of my own. For him to have such clout at the age of 16 is, quite frankly, amazing.

A friend of mine has been telling me I need to move on with my life and stop taking on my uncle and cousins' problems on but I argued that they're family and I should help them whenever I can. Right now I'm torn as to how much I should help because I've been almost taking on the role my uncle should've taken which simply makes me a crutch, not a solution to the problem. I think it's time to step back and hope I've made enough of a difference and they'll take over on their own.

I hate this feeling though. Anyway - MirrorBoy, do what you need to do. I know how you feel and how hard this decision must be for you.

A Happy New Year

I'm still here at my uncle's house where my family came for New Year's Eve. I'm glad we all got together. It felt great to see some family friends I hadn't seen in a while.

I faxed what will hopefully be the last of the documents needed to complete the car purchase. I will be the proud owner of a 2004 BMW M3 by next week of all goes well.

I'm not feeling as emotionally shitty as I was the other day. I went to a friend's house with another friend that night. We all talked, downed 2 bottles of wine and things felt better. I'm going to enjoy this new year or die trying.


-Crash

Depressed again

The past few days have been really shitty. I mean REALLY shitty. Last week I got reprimanded for not going to the office often enough, a 50 mile, 1 hour journey including $8 in tolls. I didn't fucking feel like it after my accident, rental or not. Also, not that it should really matter to them anyway but, I've been babysitting so I was staying home with my cousin to ensure he ate, did his homework, etc.

Today I got reprimanded for not looking busy enough. Apparently when the CEO, COO, CWhateverO walks by and I have my two browser windows open (one for work, one for other stuff like music, etc) it gives the notion that I'm not performing my duties at work. They should be glad I even do jack shit there considering the clusterfuck that place is. My work is done on time and is satisfactorily efficient, what the fuck does it matter how busy I look?

Bryan's been bored out of his mind and I feel so bad because he has absolutely nothing to do here. I should've just stayed at his house and then he'd be able to go out with his friends or something. Too late now, tomorrow is New Year's Eve already. I feel like I've made Thanksgiving and Christmas absolutely miserable for him. He didn't want to spend them with me or my family. He wanted to spend it with his dad and/or his brother. No matter what, it all comes down to the fact that I'm extended family. I don't feel like I could ever make a big enough impact in his life. He may love me but I'm investing far too much of myself in this fruitless crusade. His father needs to be the one to nurture him, not me. I'm just his cousin when all is said and done. The return on investment will never match what I put in and I can't expect it to.

I was at work when all of this came to my mind. I wanted to scream. I wanted to break the keyboard, punch the monitors, cry, curl up in a ball, sleep, and just exist outside of time and space. I wanted to be without being. I wanted to stop feeling, stop everything. I wanted everything to just go away. I started hyperventilating again. I feel like such a failure. A freak, damaged, unable to cope with human emotion. I can't be happy, not for long anyway. My life is just an emotional roller coaster. Up and down, round and round. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day. I just want it all to make sense. I want to organize my feelings, my thoughts, my life, but the harder I try the more it resists organization.

I try leave from under my parents' collective wing and what happens? I get rear-ended. I try to help my cousin but the best thing I could've done was probably not have been here. Maybe that would've forced his father to spend time with him. I try to be happy and I'm only miserable.

It's almost as if there is no "good", only "less shitty".

Christmas wishes and lots of food

Hopin you're all having a great Christmas, and if you don't celebrate Christmas then happy holidays!

I'm at a formal dinner with friends of the family. They're very nice people and the food is great. Bryan is, unfortunately, bored out of his mind. Like I said, it's formal so I didn't figure he'd have much to do. He's being a trooper though. He's entertaining the kids but they're 5 and 6.

I'll be going to finish the car stuff tomorrow morning. Let's hope for the best. Thanks for all of your Christmas wishes.


-Crash

Teenagers, Oh Boy...

My cousin got picked up by his brother on Monday night. He was there until last night so that was roughly 48 hours. He absolutely did NOT want to come with me and complained all the way home about how he doesn't know the people we'll be spending Christmas with and that he didn't care to even remember their names and how he wasn't going to have fun. I humored him and told him it would be the most horrible Christmas he would ever have, with all the presents he's getting and what not. How could anybody POSSIBLY enjoy getting presents? Sounds horrible to me too!

It seems to me, regardless of what we'd be doing he would've complained when it came time to come home because he wanted to spend Christmas with his brother. His father gave me very specific instructions that he was not to spend Christmas there because it would be awkward. His brother was going to be at his girlfriend's parents' house. They hardly know him and to have his little brother over as well would be strange.

Oh well. I wonder if I was like this when I was a teenager. The answer is probably yes. Whiney, constantly complaining and questioning authority...the definition of a teenager.

Damn Snow

Friday night my cousin had a sleepover and his friend stayed until last night. They had a lot of fun and I have to say that I did as well. We rented movies, bought junk food, wrestled, and they went outside and had a snowball fight as well. It snowed about 16-18 inches down here. I had no idea it was even going to snow. I have to say, I felt like a kid again when we played made up games and what not.

Unfortunately the snow messed with my plans for the weekend. I was supposed to have run the errands to get the ball rolling on purchasing the car but unfortunately due to ridiculous amounts of snow, I wasn't going to drive 400 miles. I tried to get it done yesterday but unfortunately we didn't have time to get to the bank. I got there and they had already closed. I had planned on signing all the paperwork there since they had a notary available, and who else would have a notary working on a Sunday? I drove 8 hours, ~400 miles yesterday for nothing. The kids weren't thrilled. They were basically just along for the ride. I felt bad. I left them at my parents' house while I drove around and then came back for them when it was time to leave. They were bored out of their minds.

I hope we can get this car thing over with soon, though. It's annoying to have to wait this long but the upside is that I get to look over all the paperwork and make sure we're not missing anything. Here's to hoping.

Drama

A little backstory, I went Christmas shopping with my uncle and cousin and he got to pick out whatever he wanted in Hollister. We got him about $300 worth of stuff. I told him all of it was for Christmas so he couldn't wear it until then with the exception of picking one outfit that he could wear on Christmas. His father let him put on a sweater/shirt thing last week which I didn't agree with but whatever, he's his father. I found out he put on one of the hoodies last week as well, without asking anybody. When I asked him, he then lied to me about it and made up some story. In some way I'm glad he's afraid of me enough or respects me enough to lie to me. On the other hand, he lied to me. I finally got him to admit he wore it and made it clear that lying would not be tolerated. No sense punishing him the week before Christmas though.

Now for the drama! His mother called me this morning. When this woman calls you, it's never a good thing. Through all her badmouthing of my uncle and his wife I saw her motive. She tried to make me feel bad about how his cousins had gotten all worked up about seeing him for Christmas and that his dad "abandoned him" during the holidays and that he'll spend them alone ("not that you don't count but what if you weren't there! What would my baby have done!?") and so on. In passing she asked if my uncle had left my cousin's passport anywhere. In my mind I'm going "Oh, hell no. I'm not sending him without his father's permission". Plus, I didn't want him going in the first place. I don't know where his passport is and I'm not going to look for it. Apparently she's going to drive over to where my uncle is and is going to tell them both off. This ought to be fun, especially because I tried calling him to warn him but they're not answering the number they left me. Why leave me an "emergency contact number" if you're not going to answer it?

I also go reprimanded by my boss for not being in the office the past few days while I'm babysitting. Whatever. If I cared any less about this job I'd quit. I wonder what they'll say when I have no more rental car next week and CAN'T make it to the office. Hopefully this other job will pan out. It pays far better and isn't a 100 mile daily commute plus $8 in tolls.